• Introvertedness and why it’s terrible..

Sometimes whenever you hear introvert(someone who mainly keeps to themselves) you think they’re just not trying to put themselves out there. I can tell you right now you are dead wrong about that, being an introvert myself. But slowly thanks to my brothers and sisters at my church, I’m slowly coming out of my shell one layer at a time. I’d like to think with all of my hobbies that I’m more outgoing but not in the mood to facetious or misleading. Music helps slightly since it’s a language of it’s own, after all once you’re all on the same page with it there isn’t really a barrier anymore. Gaming however can be another story, it can help you meet other gamers if you do it professionally. But if you just do it as a means to escape your bad reality, if you let it, it slowly becomes a life or personality of its own. Unfortunately, that’s what happened to me and despite the joy it bring me, it took an entrapping downslope that made me not really want to deal with the outside world(music i was listening to long ago didn’t help much either). But anyways, back to the point I’m slowly trying to make. I can elaborate for you pretty well since that’s been my way of life for as long as I can remember, after elementary school. Because back then race, income, nor sexuality was known. You just met another kid then, bam, you’re instantly friends. After middle school that all slowly started showing its ugly head(s) and it wasn’t pretty after that. I could say that after becoming a target for harrassment/bullying, my shell slowly started to form. Didn’t want anyone in because I was unsure of their intentions, play friend or try to make my life a living hell. Most of the time it was the friend card but back then I had a good(better) head on my shoulders, back then I was all for learning at school and getting good grades. But I’d use my snarky comments to push them away not realizing it, then guess who became a nerd/geek/etc.(you guessed it,me). Them using all the words they could think of/knew was in their arsenal, my only means of ammunition being a simple shut up(watch out, he’s got a nuke(firecracker) compared to them he thought). Then as the years went by I went more and more into that shell I was unaware was being made. So from 4th-6th grade I didn’t really had much friends so my darling mother and sister were my friend at school, of course they had to hear about my day and what had happened(whether it be done to me or something I had done). Then whenever video games came more known in my life I’d mostly stay inside. So by 7th grade I had become pretty reserved but slowly I ended up making friends, after a few years of dumbing myself down so I would make less snarky remakes. They knew I was pretty smart but didn’t care so they became pretty good friends. But always no matter what music was my resort to trying to calm down since I was a scrawny kid and could’ve been knocked down by a pluck(not really but you get the idea). Growing up I’d listen to all but metal pretty much but it slowly got its hands on me. After that if it screamed at me I wanted to listen to it, the heavier the better. I was Catholic but am now Non-Denominational, more to that when I get to it. I was going to church mainly because my parents made me,since I didn’t have much interest in it back then. Just went to get it over with and that was that. Then a heartache and retreat later after 18 years of going then I gave it a slight bit of my interest finally. But it wasn’t enough, the internet slowly made its way into my life and with that pornography. I’m sure most of us in our lives have looked at it but to those who actually haven’t I commend you, you’re really not missing anything I promise you. Then that slowly took hold on my life and in turn, masturbation came into play slowly but boy did that combo take me down a sinful path. I’d always go for it as soon as I had the alone time needed. Sadly I turned down hanging with some friends one time just to do that(I know what was I thinking). Well back then I was just thinking” sweet,alone time’ better not waste it.” With that said, anyone with a delorean that has a working flux capacitor please let me borrow it. But the internet wasn’t how I had gotten my actual start of it. Needless to say, it was magazines that were hidden in the house I would manage to find that had showed me that but I didn’t know any better back then. Go ahead, say what you want because it’s in the past now and I’ve been renewed/freed from that by the grace of God Almighty. I shall do my best to bring honor to Him and His Name/Glory till the day I die. But after the internet I had developed an addiction to that stupid combo and it stuck hard. Thankfully now I’m over it thanks to the LIFE(Living In Freedom Everyday) curriculum/retreat. With that I was able to let go of all the bad and replace it with a Greater Good. It allowed me to get closer to God and further my relationship with him because that’s what important, have a relationship with Him instead of following him out of religious reasons. Kind of contradicting but there is a difference between them. If you have a relationship with God then it’s easy/enjoyable to serve Him. If you’re just going to Him because of your religion then you’ll force yourself and take away the joy of it. With the relationship you’re willingly giving yourself to Him and enjoying every minute of it. With religion you’re solely doing it out of obligation and resenting every minute of it. You’ll have to forgive me, I speak like this as well starting with one point then randomly jumping to another(so on and so forth). One of the many things I need to work on but with God on my side it’ll be dealt with in time. After all, it’s His timing not ours. We are but vessels for him awaiting our next move. So for now I’ll bid you adieu and hope you have enjoyed this rambling blog, It’s my first one so as time goes on I’ll post more and they may improve or stay the same, only time will tell. But next time I’ll have a topic I’ll stick with, it’ll still be something introvert related but will have less rabbit chasing(ADD) moments. Also, it’ll have more meaning behind it being personal.

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