How to Write About the Pope Visiting Africa
Always use the word “Africa” or “slums” or “war-torn” in your title. Subtitles may include the words “abject poverty” or “developing world” or “crime-ridden”. Also useful are the words “ethnic”, “corruption”, “religious violence”, “civil war”, “tribal”, and “security risk,” as these are descriptors that apply only to Africa.
Never feature a picture of the pope with fellow African bishops and priests at the beginning of your article, unless he is visiting South Africa and meeting with Archbishop Desmond Tutu or any white South African clergy. A church built with generous donations from Western missionary groups; the mud-ridden slum that the Pope plans to visit against the better judgment of his security team; crowds of ululating women in kitenge pattern dresses lining the streets as they await a sighting of this holy figure in white; token Maasai warriors greeting the Pope at the airport: use these images above your lede.
In your text, describe whichever country the pope is visiting as you would the entire continent: hot, dusty, with rains that come as a “blessing” to the poor and starving masses. Don’t concern yourself with precise descriptions. African countries are all the same: riddled with slums, plagued by political corruption and graft, and incapable of providing even the most basic services to their citizens, let alone adequate security for the Pope or the President of the United States. The countries the Pope is visiting may have thriving tech and social entrepreneurship sectors, but your readers do not care about that — let alone, believe it — so keep your descriptions evocative, vague and somewhat menacing.
Be sure to mention how Christians in the countries the Pope is visiting are draconian in their condemnation of homosexuality, divorce and Western development agendas, ideas which they (unreasonably) view as a “terrifying resurgence of a colonialist spirit.” Do not mention the American bishops and pastors who have gotten rich off of exporting these ideas, but who now condemn them as draconian. If you must make more than a passing reference to the anti-homosexual sentiment and violence that is pervasive in these countries, do it in impersonal and abstract terms. Speak of repressive laws, general intolerance, and the overwhelming condemnation of these laws and intolerance by enlightened, tolerant Western nations. Avoid speaking directly or at length to the gay rights activists and homosexuals in these countries who, each and every day, face persecution from the believers of a religion that preaches peace. If the Pope won’t talk to them, neither should you.
Remind your readers that only an enlightened, “global south,” white male who can “speak to local problems [and] local concerns” can hope to have any chance of bringing peace to this war-torn continent and restoring dignity to the downtrodden masses. Highlight in particular any instances where the Pope calls out the country’s political elite for neglecting the poor, as this type of gross social injustice happens only in developing countries.
Africans referenced in your article may include school children, slum dwellers, politicians, religious figures, and stereotypical Africans (read: former child soldiers, people living with HIV, and those who have lost multiple family members to AIDS, civil war, or both). Each African quoted in your article — regardless of their age or status — should express their undying gratitude to the Pope for blessing them with a visit their country and showing them that God loves them, too. This is not a visit or an exchange of equals, so be sure to allude to the fact that the Pope is coming to teach them how to be better people, better Christians, and a better nation.
At some point, no matter how out of place or irrelevant it is to the topic at hand, note that the Pope spoke about environmental conservation during his trip. After celebrity activists and aid workers, conservationists are Africa’s most important people. It is important to make them feel that their concerns are taken seriously by both political and religious leaders. Plus, you will need them to invite you to their 30,000-acre game ranch or “conservation area” for your next piece on the illegal ivory trade, so be sure to pay them appropriate lip service.
Throughout the article, adopt a despondent tone that lets the reader know that you, too, don’t know what can be done to fix these problems that are so inherent to Africa. Remember, Africa is to be pitied, so be sure to leave the strong impression that without the intervention of the Pope and your efforts to raise your readers’ awareness of the ills plaguing the African continent, the people of these countries would have no hope for the future.
Always end your article with a reference to how “fearless” the Pope is to visit each of these impoverished, crime-ridden, and war-torn countries for a 24- to 48-hour period. Because he cares.
