Dear Bill Ayers.

I read of your drug-fueled orgies inside a van in transit and I’m thinking of bringing the idea up to the activity committee of our condo association.
I realize your memories may be a little hazy, (hey, that’s the price of admission, right?) but it would be awesome if you have any tips you could share, thoughts that might help me sway the committee with a compelling narrative (I know how much you love that word!) They’re so authoritarian and uptight it pisses me off. Their idea of anarchy is making cucumber salad without measuring the dill. You don’t need to measure it! ! Just pour in what feels right! Still I think I might be able to convince them that van orgies should be added to the events calendar if I can work up the right arguments. Here’s what I have so far.
First I think van orgies would draw us closer as a condo community and encourage a healthy lifestyle change for most residents. They’d be more likely to use our gym if they knew they’d be tripping naked every month in front of their neighbors and making their “O faces.”
Secondly, I think the afterglow would be a great time to convince people to commit to radical social change or at least some sort of multi-level marketing voodoo. People tend to add weight to endorphin supported revelations so, you know, we could rock that shit.
On the downside there are a few issues. In terms of safety, I see wheel wells as a potential problem in turns. Speed bumps I guess could either be frustrating, dangerous or exciting, depending on what’s going on, but I’d think a driver should be aware of them and alert the passengers with some appropriate audio clip, maybe something from the DOORS. Also, if people are tripping, it’s probably good to make sure they can’t fit through the windows in case they think they’re a bird or Superman or a Griffin or some shit. But I’m just guessing because, hey, you’re the guy with the experience!
Anyway, let me know if you have any pointers or other arguments I could make to the committee. If you have an autographed pic or t-shirt or rolling paper or something, that would be awesome, too. Thanks!
 In conclusion, Kill your parents! If they’re dead, kill them again!

Yours with raised fist and ill-defined outrage,


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