My Dark Passenger (Part Three)
“…for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”
After a few weeks, maybe a month, I relapsed. My attitude once again became negative. I had once again returned to the lifestyle that felt so familiar and tragically felt so comfortable. Back to beating myself up emotionally, spiritually, physically because I could not let go of this toxic habit. The problem was this negative attitude spilled onto my wife. Her innocence in all of this became the front line for my anger, rage, and negativity about not being able to rid myself of this habit. When a person acts like I acted there is only so much love a person can give before they themselves get beat down. The sad thing is they cannot come to their partner for renewing of strength because they’re partner is the one beating them down. So over time my negativity and hateful emotions took a tole on the beautiful Spirit of my wife. The once bright, smiling, happy young girl I meet on that December winter night was no longer smiling. She was tired. She was unhappy. She was hurt. She was exhausted and most of all she was out of love. Which brings us to the night when the clock stuck zero.
We started on a cold December night and now tragically ended on a warm night in June 2017. With what I’m sure was a heavy wounded heart my wife told me “she didn’t want to do this anymore”. I asked what she meant and her response was “this marriage”. All I could do was break down and cry. Openly weep as my greatest fear has just become a reality. What made the night even more difficult was I had to leave for work shortly after receiving the news. You see my job is one in which I need to be focused and undistracted as I am a dispatcher for a law enforcement agency. Needless to say that night was filled with cloudiness and fog.
A couple days later she moved out to go live with her sister. Within a couple days I found a therapist to see. I knew once and for all my dark passenger needed to be address. It needed to be confronted. It needed to be dealt with. I also started reading character development and self help books. Books on how to view life from a positive mentality. I started watching videos on YouTube on how to reprogram my mind to think about life, events, situations in a different way. As I mentioned earlier I started seeing a therapist and the results have been a blessing.
Now what I am about to say will be unbelievable and I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t believe what I am about to read if I was you. However I sat down with my therapist for the first time. It was an hour and a half long session. The entire time all we talked about was two topics. One of those topics was my dark passenger. My addiction to porn. No treatment was given. No medicine was issued. However when I walked out of that office I did expect what would happen just a couple days later.
A few days later I sinned and viewed porn. But here is the strange thing about it. Within a few minutes I found myself for the first time disgusted with it and I turned it off. And that my friend was the end of my dark passenger. Just like that. I don’t know why. I cannot explain it. The desire and urge just simply left. Again no medication. No voodoo trick. Just sitting down with a person and talking about it as if I was no longer afraid of it is all it took and that I just simply made a decision to stop. Now I give God/Jesus all the credit for this unimaginable transformation of the heart.
Now here we are October 2017. As I write this line, today if our 7 year anniversary and I wish I could sit here and tell you a happy ending but that is just simply not the case. Tragically my marriage is over. I have the divorce papers as we speak, waiting to be signed by me so my wife can file them. My wife has said that it’s over and that there is no way our paths will ever cross again to be together. My Spirit has been crushed during this process. My emotions have been drained. I have cried, laugh, and everything in between. The worse part is I experience the same feelings I did when I was younger. The laying in bed wondering if anyone cares for me. Sad to not receive texts from my wife other than to talk about the kids. The holidays are approaching. Those will be difficult. There are days when I feel hopeful for the future and then days when I don’t even know how I managed to make it out of bed.
In conclusion I have learned a lot over these past 10 years with this amazing women. I have learned an even greater amount through this stormy, tragic, dark season of my life that has lasted four months now and, I am sure, will last for many months ahead. However I will do as Colossians 3:1–2 says which is to “set your heart and mind on things above” and as Matthew 6:33 says to “Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness”. If there is one piece of advice I can give anyone it is this. Choose carefully what you allow into your life. That very thing might be the future destruction of your marriage…….until then.
P.S = I am not trying to win any awards for writing/spelling so if things are misspelled or typed incorrectly, who cares. This was designed to be written from the heart with authenticity drenched all over it.