Why Couldn’t She Have Aborted Me?

Jeff Glenn
Jul 30, 2017 · 4 min read
Approximately 7 Years Old, Guadalajara, Mexico

It is such a conundrum for me to have wished for my mother to abort me had she the opportunity. My survival instincts are too strong and it keeps me from self harming, so now I find myself with a playback of memories which occupy a large percentage of my psyche. Life in itself is simple, It is our ability to reason and have feelings which complicate our lives.

As an adolescent, I wished my mother would have had the choice to abort me. She had five children, and all of us from different fathers. Had she been given the information about having the choice to keep any of us, would she have chosen to have us? During her child bearing days it used to be illegal or not sociably acceptable to have abortions. I realize it is absurd to have such a wish since I am an adult now and I have been surviving for so many years. There are bad days which still cause me to wish she had aborted me.

I have been on survival mode since I can recollect. My mother, Annie, made many bad choices which affected the lives of many. I was a toddler when she took me from her ex-husband’s home. They had some words concerning my welfare and at some point in the disagreement, Annie won. She loaded me in a car and I found myself living in the streets with her. I only have snap shot memories of those times. Most of the recollections are about hunger and being cold, scared and confused.

Annie abandoned me with a stranger on a Mexican highway in the state of Jalisco, Mexico. I had to learn to survive. I have relied on my instincts since I can remember the sensation of fight or flight when confronted by danger. I had to learn where to look for food in the alleys behind restaurants and grocery stores. I was tortured, abused, and sexually molested.

I have a really strong instinct for survival. I know suicide can be an option, yet has always been an impossible thought. I do not always think it is great to have such instincts because it has condemned me to relive my misfortunes for the rest of my life. I was also fortunate to have been rescued from my situation around the age of eleven. I was adopted by two wonderful human beings and loved. I owe my adoptive mother and father, Jean and Julie Marie, my sanity and ability to deal with society today.

I have spent the last several years writing my story and contacting various publishing institutions, and the usual answer is disappointing if they respond at all. Since I chose to stay away from using drugs, abusing alcohol, or becoming a criminal, I am viewed as a average person. I am told only a famous person has a good chance to be able and publish memoirs, and since I am not famous, the public will not be interested in my childhood story.

Depression is a constant state of mind I have to fight in order to remain sane. I suffer from PTSD from the abandonment, the torture, and the sexual abuse I endured. My mind is broken. I know it is and I can feel the effects when I have to constantly concentrate on the now; the present.

No one would know any of my symptoms from the PTSD, nor realize my daily battles with the effects of the stresses from my childhood past. Everyone is surprised by how normal I appear and behave. Those who have asked me about my story exclaim how they would never have guessed I had such a tragic past, until I told them about my childhood. However, I am broken, and my suffering affects me everyday of my life.

Part of the surviving instincts is the overwhelming sense of hope for the next day. I realized one day how there is always a tomorrow. I thought back at the words and deeds of many who cared about my feelings and reached out to help me over the years. Most of all, I listened to my parents and to a wise lady who gave me the same message ⎯ You cannot feel sorry for yourself, because out there in the world, someone is still suffering a possible worst fate than you, and the majority will never have the opportunity to tell their story to the world ⎯ I also learned how unconditional love can save our souls. Can you love unconditionally?

When hope fades, so does life. I am not the only one with this condition in our world. I feel your pain and acknowledge your struggles. Never give up hope.

The title of the book is Annie’s Choice. Coming soon one way or another.

“It is our fundamental belief in the power of hope that has allowed us to rise above the voices of doubt and division, of anger and fear that we have faced in our own lives and in the life of this country. Our hope that if we work hard enough and believe in ourselves, then we can be whatever we dream, regardless of the limitations that others may place on us. The hope that when people see us for who we truly are, maybe, just maybe they, too, will be inspired to rise to their best possible selves.” Michelle Obama

Jeff Glenn

Written by

Aspiring to be a advocate for those who are oppressed and also a peaceful, non-violent activist.

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