Ladies, your men are fragile beings…

Ladies, your men are fragile. Let me tell you about their fragility and what you can do about it.

Most men were once boys who, at some point between ages 4 and 12 years old, were hurt. Before that, they were innocent boys. They saw the world as perfect. They saw no evil. Heard no evil. Then one day, they felt like they didn’t belong. That something was off with the world. That they had to do something to fit. Some rebelled and tried to control the world to fit in. Others complied to fit in.

I have met men from all social strata including CEOs, executives and clergy members. When asked “When was the first time that you felt that you did not belong, that something was off with the world?” Every one of these men can recall the defining moment when they lost their innocence, felt rejected and became a hurt boy.

You may say isn’t that universally true for both men and women? Isn’t true that women as part of their identities go through the loss of innocence when they felt that they did not belong or that something was off with the world? The answer is, of course, yes. There is, however, a big difference with men. Men are told by society very early on that they have to be tough, that part of their identity is that they have to carry pains and burdens without showing any weakness. That it is less than being a man to be weak.

These men grow while still keeping their small child inside. A lot of times when they are interacting with you, you are interacting with their small child — the one who was hurt. It takes some of them reaching 40 or 50 years old to tame their small hurt child. Some men never get there.

Ladies, I have seen your men: the burly ones considered tough as nails, the smart ones, the very spiritual to wise ones, all cry like babies. I’ve seen them bare their souls and cry like babies. Men are not as tough as they may show you. They are vulnerable beings who have been told to show and act tough. In a men’s retreat, it is a sight to behold, to see republicans and liberals, rich and poor, browns and whites bond over their wounds.

For these frail individuals who are your husbands or partners, respect is important. They need to feel valued as an intimate partner, and if they have kids, as fathers. They need to know that you as their mates respect them as both an intimate partner and as a father.

Here is why this is important. If they don’t feel that they are getting that respect from you, they will not give you the love that you crave. I will go out on a limb here and say that every woman would desire to have a relationship where they are the most important individual for their mate. Show me a man in a relationship who doesn’t feel respected and I will show you a man unable to manifest love to his female partner. Thus, this creates a vicious cycle, as shown below. As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. A male partner who doesn’t feel respected eventually will stop showing the love and affection to his female partner. Similarly, a female who feels ignored at times, not listened to, not appreciated or less valued by his partner is unlikely to show respect to his female partner.

Figure 1: The love-respect model

How does that lack of respect manifest? It may be the constant nagging to clean up after himself or to complete honey-do lists. It can be the constant reminders that he never does this or that. The worst and possibly killers are comparisons with other men or telling him directly that he’s less than a man.

It is important to stress that the model in Figure 1 is based entirely on perception from the other party. It doesn’t matter that a woman feels that she gives respect to his mate or that the man feels that he is giving love. It’s all about what the other party perceives. When we say that the man gives love to the female partner in the relationship, what we are in fact saying is that she feels loved and similarly for the male partner, we are saying that he feels respected. In this construct, it is easy to see how one party could feel that they do what is typically done (in a relationship) and somehow create an undesired feeling in their mate (not feeling respected for a man or not feeling loved for a female). Do you remember the character of Hank Shrader in Breaking Bad (played by Dean Norris)? After an attempted murder, he is temporarily paralyzed. His wife is the perfect loving caretaker. Does he reciprocate in return by showing love to his wife? Instead, he is the meanest during that period. Why? Probably, because he’s in a position where he’s never felt so vulnerable; he feels like a child “who can’t wipe his own butt.”

What can be done to address being caught in the vicious cycle of lack of love/lack of respect?

Both men and women need to be aware of what curves they and their partners are on. If a man expresses that he doesn’t feel respected (code words can be “appreciated” or “valued;” men will rarely say “I don’t feel loved”), that should raise a signal on the health of the relationship. On the other hand, if a woman expresses that she doesn’t feel loved, this should be a concern for the man. I can guarantee that the man is eventually going to get it if his partner doesn’t feel loved.

I believe that the notion of respect and love are so key for men and women respectively, that I would go as far to venture that the health of a relationship can be reduced to the following two questions:

· For the woman: I feel that my mate loves me as if I’m the most important person in the world for him.

· For the man: I feel valued and respected by my mate as a husband and a father.

[The latter question applying of course if the couple has children — this could be most critical in the case that the woman has children from a prior relationship and she expects him to serve as a father figure]

Ladies, aside from paying attention and addressing when your men show any indication that they are not respected, here are some other tips:

1. Create a space for your man to be vulnerable with you, to tell you about his fears and insecurities, including when he feels hurt. As early as possible in the relationship, talk about the moments where he has felt vulnerable, including the first time he has felt that he didn’t belong. Explore the hurt child inside that man. No, this doesn’t mean that you have to become his psychologist. Knowing the hurt child living inside your man allows you to see during periods of stress when that hurt child comes out. You could, for example, use humor to tease him about it.
2. Second, ladies if your mate doesn’t have a group of men as friends, encourage him to enlarge his circle. Male retreats are a good way for him to build healthy relationships with other males. As for me, I am a member of illuman (www.illuman.org). My brothers in illuman have been a source of strength from me in this journey. While a man needs to have your respect to have a loving relationship with you, men also need to be affirmed by other men.
3. Third and most importantly, do not act like his mom. There are thousands of tiny things that you can do to remind him of his mom. Constantly asking him to do things including picking up his clothes, cleaning up after himself, or putting down the bathroom seat could do just that. (An alternative to nagging is to simply ignore the bad behaviors and encourage the good ones. Use positive reinforcement as is done when training animals as suggested with great humor in one of the most read articles in the New York Times). Nothing wakes up the hurt child in him like criticizing, scolding or belittling him in public. No matter how strong the man appears to be, if you want to leave him, I suggest that you make him feel small in public and watch the little child inside of him force him to withdraw into his corner. Beware, this means that he will withdraw his love as well. If you no longer want him including his love, you will get exactly what you want before too long.

For my brothers, who are reading this article, here are some take-home messages (yea, I knew some of you would be reading anyway):

1. Don’t ignore signs of “you don’t love me anymore”: These are dangerous signs. Most guys tend to think their marriage is between a 7 and 10 and yet 50% of marriages end in divorces. It’s one of those paradoxes. So, guys, you are probably thinking that your marriage is better than it really is.

2. Because of # 1 above, go for help (hello marriage counselor) early and often when you get the unhappiness or lack of satisfaction signal (synonyms for “You love me no more”). This is advice that I wish I had followed very early in my own marriage.

3. Beware of periods of personal distress: I mentioned the case of Hank Shrader. A more common situation is when a man is in a vulnerable situation of not being able to provide for their families (e.g., unemployment). A less common one is substance abuse. I have seen examples where a man suffers from substance abuse (say drugs) and even with loving support from a wife, the marriage still ends up being negatively affected. It might be useful to address both the substance abuse issue and the impact on the marriage. I posit here that the man’s perception of being seen as acting less than responsibly (e.g., lack of self-respect) could play a central in the disintegration of the marriage. A celebrity marriage that may fit that mold is the example of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. I’ve wondered how the frequent stints by Ben to rehab for alcohol abuse, despite the apparently continued love of his wife may have affected his ability to in turn be the strong man that holds his wife as the queen that she is.

Note that being in the outer circle in the figure shown earlier is not fatal. Most couples in long term relationships have found themselves in the outer circle at one point or the other. Some couples stay on that outer circle for years. One of my friends said once that for couples who go to a golden anniversary, they have good decades and bad decades. It’s just that they have more good decades than bad decades. In fact, it does amaze me that couples can stay for many reasons including religion or societal pressure (e.g., fear of the stigma of divorce) on the outer circle for many years.

Besides increasing the probability of failure of the relationship, staying at any time in the outer circle has negatives for both parties (stress, unhappiness, lack of bonding) and most importantly, being unable to benefit from the best that you both have to offer to each other. Men, a woman who doesn’t feel loved will not feel comfortable to give of herself fully to you or to confide in you. Women, a man who does not feel respected will not have the strength to feel like a king so that he can hold you like a queen.

Ladies, and yes, you too men, my brothers, for your wellbeing, stay on the inner circle. If you or your partner is in part of the outer circle, address it as promptly as possible. In fact, if both of you cannot get in the inner circle, it might be best that you part ways. Thinking that you can be in one portion of the inner circle, while your partner is in the outer portion (i.e, being happy in the relationship and your partner is not) is utter lunacy.