Allow Me To Demonstrate My Worth By Acting Like Everything You Like Sucks

Hey! I made something for you for our six-month anniversary. It’s a mix tape. Yeah, I know, tapes are old-fashioned. But when I saw your iTunes playlist, I thought “She could use exposure to different stuff.” No, I know, I know, you like Celine Dion and Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album. But have you even tried Animal Collective? No, it’s just a name. Here, let me throw this on for you. Oh you don’t have a tape deck? That’s okay, I can just give you extensive background on each of the bands I put on here.

Happy seven months! I got you a subscription to The Atlantic! Well I just noticed most of the reading material you have here is fashion magazines or tabloids, so I figured…no, I know you enjoy reading those. I just thought you could use something a little more...I don’t know…well yeah, intellectual I guess. No, I don’t think you’re dumb. Look, they have a piece in the current issue on the fracturing of the EU that really altered some of my notions on Brexit and the repercussions. Well, it really just held up the beliefs I already had. Still, great read. Should we go out for Szechuan tonight?

Happy eight months! It’s a Blu-ray of Blade Runner! It’s a great movie, total classic. And this is the Official Director’s Final Cut, not the Director's Official Final Cut, which is inferior because they don’t have the voiceover…well yeah it’s sci-fi. Classic sci-fi, based on a Phillip K. Dick story. Oh you’ve never heard of him? He’s a legendary author, really crazy guy. It’s just I peeked at your Netflix queue and man it’s heavy on romcoms and Friends seasons 3 through 7. No, I know you love those. It’s just this is a really interesting movie. I mean it has Harrison Ford, women like him, right? Yeah he’s young in it. What? I thought we were going to that new Malaysian place tonight. Okay, I guess I’ll just head on home then. Good night.

Happy nine months! Check this out: the Phillip K. Dick Reader! For you! Most of his best stories are in here, including the one Total Recall is very loosely based on! We need to talk? About what? Seeing someone else? Oh, is this why I found a Bruno Mars CD and a copy of Men’s Fitness in your car? Scott? SCOTT? Your ex Scott? The one who got thrown out of a Zac Brown concert for fighting a trash can? Well la-di-da, I am so glad he never criticized your taste in everything. I guess I’ll have to find someone else to take on our 10-month anniversary Weezer plays Pinkerton Cruise.

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