So…
H. Nemesis Nyx
55

I figured you understood, H, you’re good like that. Thanks! :-)

On the one hand, I’ve been having episodes for 20-some years and am none the worse for wear. OTOH, some day I’m going to actually have a freakin’ cardiac incident and I’ll blow it off. (I keep a “Signs You Are Having A Heart Attack” list on my phone so I can compare with my actual symptoms.) I exercise every morning (trying to keep my Type 2 diabetes in control) and usually feel better after an exercise session (unless it’s one of those “Hey, know what we haven’t worked on in a long time? Our core!” sessions, in which case my chest and arm feel fine but my belly muscles are seriously unhappy with me).

I’ve learned to blow off the feelings of imminent death, now that I know it’s all just brain chemistry. It can get irritating. One day it was Very Bad at work and it was like a full-blown WWF wrestler landed on the right side of my chest in the way of pain. One part of my brain was screaming that I was going to die, going to die NOW! Another part was telling me I couldn’t breathe. Another was saying that, no, sorry, air coming in, air going out, sure seemed like there was breathing going on. And yet another part was on my internal announcement system going WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT THE HELL UP I AM TRYING TO CARRY ON A PHONE CONVERSATION DAMMIT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. And whatever parts were left over were trying to troubleshoot a database problem over the phone with a pissed-off user who was more interested in complaining about IT than helping me fix the problem.

It’s manageable, I guess is what I’m saying.

However, as you know from your PTSD episodes, understanding that it’s “not real” and actually believing that it’s not real can be a very large gulf. Especially when you’re typing with your left hand exclusively because your right hand barely has the dexterity to handle a mouse. Shit sure feels real then.

Anyway! We shall carry on, dear lady! Always remember to believe in yourself.

And dragons, too, of course. ;-)

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