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Yep, confirmed, I would have been a total liability in the delivery room. All I would need is the doctor holding up a knitting needle, telling me, “Okay, Mr. Herlocker, we’re going to need to insert this up your wife’s birth canal— ” and then momentary darkness and the sharp smell of ammonia.

Or an episiotomy! [Oh crap, I clicked on the Wikipedia link when I Googled it. Why did I do that?! I just wanted to check the spelling and make sure I had the right procedure — Wikipedia has illustrations! Oh God. Yes, that’s the horror show I was thinking of.] What sadistic male misogynist with mother problems came up with that? [Yes, the Wikipedia article probably says. No, I am not going back there.] When someone first told me about episiotomies, I thought she was just trying to gross me out. But then she described it in detail! With hand gestures! And pretend scissors! There are people snipping women’s vaginas with freakin’ scissors, and nobody is freaking out?! WTF?!

Me. Waiting room. Rum. Much better for everyone.

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