China’s unique culture: Writing letters to the dead
My husband’s mother died in an accident over twenty years ago. He sought many ways to communicate with her, by telling her his life, feelings, and how he missed her. He even practiced meditation, visualization, third eye, and other mystical methods.
His bookshelf is full of books on supernatural topics. He wants to convince himself that his mom’s spirit remains alive in another dimension.
One day, I told him that during the nights of major traditional Chinese holidays, such as the Spring Festival, Qingming, Mid-Autumn Day, Zhongyuan, the Chinese are expected to write letters to their deceased family members and then deliver it to them by burning it at a crossroads.
Chinese tell their dead family members about their current situations and make wishes. We Chinese believe the spirits of the dead can protect us from bad luck and give us wisdom on our life choices.
On the evening of Qingming, my husband Jason Chinn secluded himself in the bedroom and started to compose a letter for his mother. I heard the scratch of the pencil on notebook paper, which was shortly followed by him crying.
He choked up and made great effort to keep himself from being overheard. I knew how much he missed his mom. After he finished writing, I heard the door opening and he ran outside with his face covered by a dark blue hood. “It’s cold outside. You’d better wear long pants.” I told him.
He hesitated, then continued wearing his indoor shorts, saying “I’m fine.” He rushed outside into the freezing darkness, so he could burn the letter to his mom. The next day, he thanked me and said the letter helped to release his negative emotions.
He also conveyed the letter story to his consultant at the Veteran Affairs Medical Center, who told him that writing letters to a dead family member was a treatment used in modern psychotherapy, since it works so effectively.
Later on, Jason asked when he could write another letter, since he had too many stories to share with his mom. He said whether he believed it or not at first, he felt much better and believes his mom got the letter.
He also recommended this method to his American relatives and friends. One of his best buddies lost his mother many years ago, and his friend planned to write a letter to his mother this Christmas Eve.
Well, I didn’t expect that such a traditional holiday custom for the Chinese could play such an instrumental role to alleviate the sadness at losing family members for westerners.
Perhaps the Chinese have conducted this activity for thousands of years, so they don’t realize its subtle impact on their emotions. For some people, the letter is just considered an envelop with paper money for the dead, while the contents of the letter seem less important than the paper money.
Some Chinese are even more pragmatic, only asking for protection and good luck for their academics and career development when communicating with deceased family members.
It’s said that people with overseas experience will understand their own traditions more deeply when dealing with other cultures. In the past, I took many Chinese customs for granted, as mere holiday rituals, something we must do only because it’s our culture.
But westerners have reminded me on the original purpose for writing letters to dead family members, so as to maintain emotional connections with our beloved ones in another spiritual world, which encourage us to adjust our behavior to make them happy, just as if they were still alive.
Accordingly, I’m glad my husband and I both learned some important lessons from each other’s culture.