The search for an anchor of confidence and meaningful self-worth

I have been struggling with a search of confidence all my life — from the attention-seeking child brag who was ostracised, to the youth who discovered an attraction to the opposite gender but did not know how to express it considerately, to the young man born to parents who did not go to college, went to public school all his life, and begged his way to a place in the very law school he now chose to take a break from. My lack of confidence made me boastful; it took away my ability to be happy for others, for the success of others casted a shameful light on myself; it cost me my relationship for it condemned me to a constant fear of whether I was, or would ever be, good enough for her.

I tried many ways of finding an anchor for my confidence. I thought getting into a brand name school would be it, but it was not for I was just surrounded by even more people better than me and my standards change; I thought getting into a relationship would be it as the choice of another person to be with you is the greatest validation, but it was not for I had to worry about whether I was good enough for her; I thought learning programming would be it as now I would have a tangible skill to show, but it was not for the imposter syndrome for programmers is just as real, and I am constantly overwhelmed by how much I do not yet know or need to keep up with.

Some people have pointed to the external/internal divide of whether you seek your confidence from external sources like praises and expressed reverence, or an intrinsic security of self-worth. I tried looking internally, but I just couldn’t figure out a way to anchor my confidence within me without a basis. I am reminded of certain experiences in my life when I felt worthy for brief moments — whenever I helped someone. Which led me to the conclusion that the most stable anchor of confidence is neither a baseless (perhaps even presumptuous) intrinsic belief in one’s self-worth, nor a dependency on praises from others, but the witnessing of value you bring to others in your daily life. The sum of the value you bring is the best translation to meaningful self-worth.

So if there is anyway I could help you or bring value to you, please reach out, you’d be doing me a favour. Or if you have faced a similar struggle for confidence and found your own solution, tell me your story. Let’s make this a safe space for growth, nurturing of souls and maturity together.