At least no one has died ever since they started.

With a dour face, John O. Brennan, the head of the CIA began his press conference. “Sometimes in war we encounter moral failures. And we at the CIA have failed. Even though we’ve repeated the words enhanced interrogation techniques thousands of times over the past few years it appears no one has bought it. The world is aware now that we torture people without any form of judicial review. We lied to lawmakers and murdered innocent people. But even though we’ve lost the battle we think we can still win the war. You see when I was sitting with John Yoo (author of the legal justification for torture) last night watching videos of people falling out of wheelchairs it occurred to us that the CIA had in fact not failed. You see,” he continued as the kind of smile Dick Cheney reserved for thoughts of stillborn children spread across his face in the same way that a deep moral rot had spread throughout the us and allowed this situation to occur, “It turns out that the CIA did not torture anyone who would not have raised arms against America!” With the sickening grin bisecting his face he let out a small giggle before proceeding, “You see its a catch 22! Anyone not willing to join a war against the US before being kidnapped from their country, placed beyond any sort of judicial review and having all of their legal rights stripped from them, and then tortured without charge would certainly be willing to take any sort of action to destroy a country that harboured and condoned the people who did this! And so you see the CIA literally only tortured enemies of the US. Or created them. But we certainly didn’t torture people that didn’t want to destroy the US.”

Dick Cheney when asked for comment praised the work of CIA interrogators noting that “In the heat of the moment sometimes you forget to ask yourself basic questions like should I chain this detainee to the freezing concrete floor after spraying him with water and leave him to die given he has not faced trial or had a chance to prove his innocence?”