I don’t actually think Tony Abbott even knows which promises he means to keep now.

Tony Abbott today confessed that he had not in fact mistook David Koch for someone called Chris but an entire political career consisting of nothing but continual backflips, broken promises and arguments over what the words he spoke actually meant had rendered him unable to speak the truth on any subject including other people’s names. In a silent press conference consisting of the prime minister doing nothing but holding up large posters stating his message, Abbott acknowledged that his two faced duplicity had robbed him of his ability to verbally express anything he actually meant, thought or believed. Breaking down into tears as he told the media via his pre printed signs about the time he had promised Frances he would attend her graduation and the sickening realisation that he would be forced to avoid it as he had actually promised he would do it. He ended the press conference with a verbal promise to more genuine and be careful while driving home before backing into a fire hydrant.