How are These People My Family???
Do you ever look at your family — your parents and siblings — and think, how did I get here?
I’ve had that same question and I know I am not alone.
I was quite young when I felt like I simply got dropped into the wrong family. I remember yelling all kinds of nasty, childlike things at my parents like, “I must be adopted” and “Who are my real parents” and this was long before my teen years.
I sensed early on that something was off.
I believed it was me. I was off. I was too much. I was too emotional. I was too sensitive. I had too many questions. I was disobedient. I didn’t belong because of who I was.
What I didn’t realize as a child is these are all signs that the family system is toxic and unhealthy. Feeling like I didn’t belong and that there was something wrong with me is a reflection of how well, or I should say NOT well, the family system was functioning.
I coped by wandering the farmland and wooded areas around our home.
I coped by spending a lot of nights at the houses of various friends.
I coped by trying to be a very good and pleasing girl.
I coped by getting really good grades and pleasing my teachers.
I coped by putting on a smile when I was expected to smile.
I didn’t know I was coping. I instinctively moved towards what brought me a sense of safety, even if for a brief amount of time.
I coped for years without realizing it. I coped AFTER I left home in my adulthood. I coped in my friendships and with the men I dated and in my workplace. I coped at the expense of losing myself in trying to be exactly who others wanted me to be.
My coping mechanism became my default pattern for how I navigated the world and relationships.
I still wonder if I fit in anywhere because that is how strong that coping mechanism is.
Once I began years of therapy, I allowed myself the possibility that it wasn’t me. I might not be the problem, even though I was told I was the problem.
“If you would just listen and not ask questions…”
“If you would just not cry as that is upsetting others…”
“If you would just stop all your drama…”
I could make a list of a hundred “If you would just” expectations that were put upon me and made me certain I was the problem.
I took that into every relationship moving forward. I looked for every way I could make others happy so I could belong a bit longer, be accepted a bit longer, be loved even if for just a small length of time.
The problem is that kind of default pattern in a relationship that desires to be healthy will destroy the relationship over time. It’s exhausting for me trying to figure out how to keep someone happy AND for a person who doesn’t need me to make them happy, it is exhausting as well.
I lost so many friendships, two potential husbands, and I came close to losing at least one job.
It wasn’t until I came to the understanding that my family system was broken, not me, that I began to see a difference in my life.
It’s true. I don’t really fit into a family system that caters to the emotional needs of one person. That isn’t healthy for anyone. My emotions, my needs, my wants were always thrown aside for someone else and I learned that was how I stayed under the radar and kept the peace a bit longer. It also made me the scapegoat because of all the family members, I was the one who would most likely lose my shit at some point and demand to have my needs met as well. That, of course, was unacceptable so I felt even more like “how is this my family”.
This is how we get caught in toxic dynamics. We think family should mean something. Something more than other relationships because family literally brought you into this world. Shouldn’t biological/family connection matter more than chosen connections? And, shouldn’t they want a healthy relationship with one another because they are family?
The reality is most families are not that healthy and the system is broken. Communication is faulty. Connection is interrupted by past trauma. Coping mechanisms from past generations shape unhealthy interactions. It’s a mess for most of us until we decide to step out of the mess.
I stepped out of the mess through healing, inner work, boundaries, and owning the fact that I am worthy of mutual and meaningful love and belonging. You can do the same and I am happy to show you how as I walk alongside you reminding you that you might feel like you don’t belong in your family, and there is a place you do belong. It begins within yourself.
For more on safely navigating toxic relationships with a parent, sibling, co-parent, adult child, or partner, and co-workers, join me in my free Facebook group the YOU Aligned Community
