How to Say “No” Without Fear or Guilt
Always responding to the needs and demands of others is a coping pattern that once broken brings you the freedom to say “no” without fear or guilt, but how exactly do you break that pattern?
The coping pattern is people-pleasing. Before you stop reading, let’s unpack that term because, for me, people pleasing goes much deeper than simply trying to be liked by others.
People pleasing is a pattern of behaviors you developed in order to survive an emotionally volatile environment. You learned that if you could keep your primary caregivers, or whomever had the most power in that environment, as happy and calm as possible, you would feel a sense of safety.
People pleasing is not ass-kissing or schmoozing or fawning over another person.
People pleasing, in my definition, is a set of unconscious behaviors a person develops to navigate an unpredictable and unsafe environment that was supposed to be an environment marked by safety and stability.
When you start to become aware of how often you are saying “yes” to the requests, demands, needs of others without a thought for your own needs and out of fear of how that person might react if you say “no”, you tend to try and escape the pattern by going all the way in the other direction.
Saying “no” to everyone else is simply not the answer either because it feels out of alignment with being human. As humans, we do want to help others and meet the needs of others. It’s part of how we connect and feel a sense of purpose and belonging.
The problem is when you find yourself exhausted and resentful and thinking, “when is it my turn” because that is the point where you have said “yes” over and over again in hopes that all will be well.
The solution is to find that space where you elevate your own needs to the same importance as the needs of others.
Read that again: The solution is to find that space where you elevate your own needs to the same importance as the needs of others.
It’s not either/or. It’s both/and because to be human is to connect through meeting one another with generosity and care and compassion. The key is to do this without losing yourself and that is where the power of inner work and boundaries comes in.
Sure, you could set boundaries and leave it at that. It might look something like this:
I will not do ______ for you anymore because I need to focus on me and my needs.
That is a good start, and if you have tried this, you know it has its limitations.
A boundary like this is about the push and pull of my needs versus their needs and that creates a divide in the relationship. Now, maybe a divide is needed, however, what if you could create a connection with the boundary instead. How would that change you and your relationships?
A boundary based on your inner work might look something like this:
I will not be doing _______ for you at this time because I think we can find a way for you to do that for yourself so that you feel empowered and I no longer feel a sense of duty and resentment.
Do you feel the difference here?
It’s not me versus you. It’s we.
We do this together.
We find a new solution.
We both gain something we need.
That is powerful and that changes relationships into more peaceful, productive, and mutual spaces.
For more on safely navigating challenging, unhealthy, and/or toxic relationships with a parent, sibling, co-parent, adult child, or partner, join me in my free Facebook group the YOU Aligned Community
