Manipulation Part 1: When People Manipulate to Survive
Manipulation is a coping skill at its root. That does not make it any less toxic or abusive. Hear me on that! Just because manipulation is a coping skill doesn’t mean its effects are to be minimized.
Manipulation feels gross. It feels like being taken advantage of and going against yourself at the same time because somehow you said yes to something before you know what even happened.
Manipulation can show up as:
charm and sweet talk
bribes
pulling on your emotions
wearing down through constant asking
intimidating
Basically, if the behavior has the goal of getting you to do something you don’t want to do, it is a form of manipulation.
And, here’s the kicker…
We ALL manipulate!
Swaying others to get our needs and desires met is common to all humans, so when is it normal human behavior and when is it destructive?
It all goes back to the pattern.
There is a huge difference between inviting someone to join you in a conversation or an event where they are uncertain
AND
Pushing someone to join you through threats or withholding or other manipulation tactics.
The energy of the two is very different.
That line is easily crossed at times if you were raised in a home where manipulative tactics were the norm. You learned by how you were treated and how you observed the adults in your life getting their needs met that pushing was permissible.
This is a survival coping skill for people who learned they couldn’t get their needs met any other way. They learned getting loud and demanding or cute and charming was an effective way to get their needs met.
The problem is when they can’t see that pattern because then the pattern becomes their way of navigating the world and the longer they navigate the world that way, the more the pattern feels normal to them and they are less likely to change.
Manipulation has become their way of asserting their needs and feeling important because people listen to them and jump to meet their needs.
If you are reading this, you most likely do not use manipulation as a survival or coping skill. It is more likely that you are being manipulated and you are looking for solutions to break out of being manipulated by others. This is where I am going in this series. My next post will focus on when manipulation is intentional because the person knows what they are doing.
For now, when you are around a person who is using manipulation for survival, they are not aware of what they are doing. It is their normal way of navigating the world. Depending on the relationship you have with them, you could gently point this pattern out in a moment where it is not happening. You also want to take steps to address the manipulation in the moment by deciding what you are willing to do when the manipulation happens.
For example, if the pressure is being put upon you by your mom to attend family dinner on Sunday night and you know that will not work for you, instead of going through the process of your mom wearing you down and guilting you until you say yes, decide what you are willing to do to stand by your no and stop the manipulation process.
You could say, “Thank you for the invite, and Sunday nights do not work for me.” This is what I call a stop phrase because it ends the discussion politely and firmly.
You could say, “You will not wear me down this time. Sunday night does not work for me.” This adds in the element of calling out the manipulative behavior for what it is, which can be very effective because remember, your mom doesn’t realize what she is doing.
Survival or not, manipulation does not need to be the norm in any of your relationships. Watch for Manipulation Part 2 where I will explore manipulation that is intentional because that is where it crosses over into abuse.
For more on safely navigating challenging, unhealthy, and/or toxic relationships with a parent, sibling, co-parent, adult child, or partner, join me in my free Facebook group the YOU Aligned Community and give me a follow here on Medium.
