It was a cloudless and chilly night in Stars Hollow and the town troubadour strummed his guitar by the gazebo where a crowd was gathering for the big event. The bells on the door of Luke’s Diner chimed as Lorelai burst in with her usual smile and greeting.

“Coffee, please! Four. To go.” Luke looked up and continued wiping the countertop.

“You’re crazy if you think I’m giving you four coffees. You’ll set the town on fire with your words per minute after four coffees,” he smiled knowingly as he poured coffee into a to go cup.

“They’re not all for me, dummy! Rory, Lane, Sooki and I have to keep our energy and body heat up in this weather. You coming to the big fight?” She punctuated the end of her sentence with a punch.

“No. I’m not going. I think it’s stupid, childish, ridiculous, dangerous, and NO.” He put the four coffees into a tray and pushed them towards Lorelai. “I can’t believe that Rory is allowing this to happen. Rory has more sense than all of Stars Hollow combined. She went to Yale, for god’s sake. What kind of person lets this happen?” Lorelai grinned.

“You’re just jealous because you’ve never had three of your exes fight over you for the whole town to see. Fight to the death! Champion takes Rory home! Just kidding. Kind of.”

“Yeah, well, you let me know how that goes.”

“Should I call up Christopher so you two can duke it out? Turn this into a tournament?” She hopped around the diner as if she was in a wrestling ring.

“Very funny,” Luke replied.

“Got any donuts?”

*Laaaa laaaa laaaaaaaa la la lalalaala laaaaaaaaaaa.*

“Bets! Place your bets! Bets! Time to gamble on one man’s livelihood!” Kirk bellowed, as he navigated the crowd, carrying a small pad of paper and pencil. Lane and Rory shivered together as they stood waiting for Lorelai.

“So?” asked Lane.

“So… what?” Rory replied. Lane gestured at the crowd around them.

“This. All of this. This is crazy! This kind of thing has never happened in our collective personal history.”

Rory shrugged. “It’s kind of ridiculous. But it’s also kind of romantic? I don’t know. It goes against all of my beliefs, and I’ve tried explaining it to these guys, but it seems like it’s the only way to solve the problem.”

“Oh, because it’s such a problem to have three different guys in love with you at the same time, who are willing to fight to the death for your honour. You must like one of them a teeny tiny bit better than the others, right?” Rory looked off into the distance with a smile.

“You would think, but they all have very distinct qualities that shape them into three very different people who are all very perfect for me. You know?”

Lane rolled her eyes. “No. I don’t.”

“Dean is such a chivalrous and protective guy, but Logan is so confident and spontaneous…”

“And rich,” Lane added.

“And Jess,” Rory continued, “Jess is an intellectual. I know he could do great things if he’d just let me fix him.”

Lane nodded, “Ah, yes. The ol’ fixer upper. That’s definitely the guy you want to end up with.”

“Coffee!” Lorelai sang as she approached Rory and Lane. They took coffees from the tray she held up. “Where’s Sooki?” she asked looking around.

“Don’t know, haven’t seen her yet,” replied Rory, taking a sip of her coffee.

“Wow, there are a lot of people here,” Lorelai commented. “I didn’t think there were this many people in Stars Hollow. Did the real estate here just get really good or something? Can real estate ‘get good’?”

“Well, I’m sure Logan’s friends are here to support him. I think that must be them over there,” Rory gestured toward a group of people dressed in gowns and suits wearing gorilla masks. “Don’t ask,” she said, rolling her eyes as Lorelai looked at them quizzically.

“So, kiddo,” Lorelai turned to address Rory. “How ya doin’? You nervous?” She looked at her daughter with concern.

“Not nervous, necessarily,” Rory started. “I’m curious. It’s flattering to have three guys fight to the death over you, but it’s also slightly unnerving.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” Lorelai murmured.

“Okay, yeah, sure, Dad and Luke got into a tussle in the town square, but nobody died,” Rory replied.

“True,” Lorelai said. “But still.”

“Sandwiches!” Sooki squealed as she ran towards the girls holding an overflowing picnic basket. “I made sandwiches! I hope you’re hungry! I’ve got prosciutto, I’ve got brie, I’ve got genoa salami, I’ve got pesto and mozzarella, and I’ve got fluffernutter for the less refined palette…”

“Fluffernutter,” Lorelai and Rory replied at the same time.

“Nothing like marshmallow and peanut butter on a cool night under the stars, waiting for three guys to fight each other to the death for a woman’s honour…” Lorelai trailed off as she looked up at the sky.

“It’s freezing out!” Sooki exclaimed as she rubbed her hands together for warmth.

“Coffee?” Lorelai handed her a cup.

“Couldn’t they have done this on a nice evening in July?” Sooki asked Rory.

“No, I guess it had to be when everyone was in town for the holidays,” Rory replied.

“Where are these guys anyway? It’s almost ten thirty,” Lorelai said, looking around.

A helicopter could be heard in the distance. Large gusts of wind blew around the residents of Stars Hollow as the sound of the chopper drew nearer.

“That’ll be Logan,” Rory stated looking up. A large black helicopter descended and landed thirty feet away from the crowd, destroying a small hedge in the town square.

“He’ll be paying for that,” shouted Taylor from the back of the crowd, shaking his head. The blades on the chopper slowed and Logan jumped down from the door, followed by two large men. He walked toward Rory with purpose, clad in shiny black padded body armour. His expression was one of cockiness and determination.

“Hey, Ace,” he cooed as he approached her.

“Hey, Logan,” she responded. Logan reached out and stroked the side of her face.

“You look great, kid. I’ll see you after the fight.” He walked toward the centre of the square and began talking to the two men who had exited the helicopter with him. Lane shuddered and turned to Rory. “To be honest, Logan is a bit creepy. I mean, he calls you ‘kid’. Don’t you think that’s kind of… messed up?”

“It’s nice!” Rory responded, looking hurt.

“I think I see Dean over there,” Lorelai said, squinting into the distance.

Dean ran his fingers through his hair as he emerged from behind Gypsy’s auto shop, his black leather jacket glinting in the moonlight. Rory turned toward him and their eyes locked immediately. She raised her hand in his direction and waved slowly. He gave her a small smile and waved back.

“What was the thing with Dean again?” Sooki asked, turning to Lane.

“Oh, Rory lost her virgi-”

“AH!” Rory and Lorelai screamed in unison, as they whipped around.

“Can we not?” Lorelai insisted.

“Jeez, sorry guys. Can’t a girl answer a question around here?” Lane responded.

“Hey guys, what’s the hold up?” Luke said from behind the group. Everyone jumped.

“COME on, who sneaks up like that?” Sooki shouted.

“Wait, if you’re here, then who’s running the cafe? Are you telling me you left the cafe? That there’s nobody there guarding the coffee pot?” Lorelai asked excitedly.

“Relax, I closed up early. Everyone is already out here anyway,” Luke responded.

“So then you came to see your nephew get his ass beat?” Lorelai said, punching him in the shoulder.

“Get his ass beat? The boy is my blood. He won’t be getting his ass beat by any means. Not if he uses the moves I showed him,” Luke trailed off, turning away.

“Hey! Interference! No fair!” Rory responded.

“Relax, Rory. His minuscule height will make up for any ‘moves’ Luke may have taught him,” Lane said.

“Minuscule height??” Rory asked. “He is an inch and a half taller than me, thank you very much. Minuscule…”

“Wait, is Logan taller than Jess?” Lorelai asked.

“Definitely not,” Luke responded.

“His hair definitely adds a few inches,” Lane remarked.

“Where is Jess?” Luke asked, looking around.

“I bet he skipped town,” Lorelai whispered to Sooki. “Crawled back to the Sunshine Coast because he thinks he’s better than all of us. With his books and his… smartness…”

“Wait.. Is that Jess over there?” Lane asked, pointing to a figure sitting on a bench in the distance. Jess lowered the book he was reading and looked over toward the crowd of people gathering. He slowly stood up and walked toward Rory.

“Wow, yeah, he is kind of a wee little guy, isn’t he?” Sooki whispered loudly to Lane.

Jess stopped in front of Rory and handed her the book he had been reading. “If you haven’t read any Palahniuk, this is a pretty good one to start with.”

Rory looked down at the book as Lorelai peeked over her shoulder.

“Fight Club, verrrry clever,” Lorelai said. “Brad Pitt is so dreamy. Don’t you think so, Luke?” She said, elbowing Luke. Luke huffed and looked away.

Jess turned toward the crowd of people in town square.

“So boys, are we gonna do this thing or what?”

— — — TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE ACTION!!!!!!!!! — — —