Reacting to the Final Season of Mad Men After Never Having Seen an Episode

Episode 1 — “Severance”

Television shows have never been my favorite form of entertainment unless they contain some type of food-focus. The cultural tent poles of shows like Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, and Mad Men, never pitched much in my life. And now, with the final episodes ticking down of Mad Men, I have decided to write my take on the whole thing, after never having seen a single episode of the groundbreaking show about the ever-interesting world of…advertising.

Any show that stars out in a diner already makes my Jersey heart flutter. Jon Hamm (or Don Draper, right?) looks very smug sitting at a table with three incredibly attractive women in equally unattractive outfits. Ah, the ‘70’s.

HOLY MUSTACHE. Wow. Okay, according to my boyfriend Dom, that’s Roger Sterling and he has not previously had a mustache so apparently the 1970’s slapped him so hard, he turned into Burt Reynolds’s DILF-porn alter ego. I don’t think I’ve seen my Twitter feed talk this much about facial hair since the NYT had that beard infatuation. I’m not entirely sure why he had to be rude to Rebecca Pope from Grey’s Anatomy but I guess $100 should make up for his huge ego. Also, $11 for a diner meal seems pretty reasonable, and obviously she had extra hash browns. Who the fuck doesn’t eat all the hash browns at a diner, Roger? What do you think this is, Communist Russia?

I don’t know how much $100 was in the 1970’s but I guess it’s a lot seeing as one of the girls at the table felt the need to point out that he was, in fact, putting down a $100 bill for an $11 meal, in case he didn’t realize in his “I’m a Rich Misogynist” stupor, also known as being a white male in the 1970s.

Man, I wish I knew what happened to this dude’s eye. The props department must’ve had fun with that one because I truly didn’t think anyone actually wore a pirate eye patch in the history of ever, outside of well, actual pirates. Or Bond villains, which I guess isn’t real life, so I rest my case. Alex Mack needs to fire her hairstylist. Also, I knew that was Alex Mack way before Dom did, even though that was his biggest crush growing up so I guess not really paying attention to the story line pays in dividends when it comes to identifying ‘90s actresses.

Ah, here’s the blatant and rampant sexism I was waiting for! And terrible dad jokes. And really bad hairlines, geez. Well actually, can someone tell me Joan’s hairstylist? That girl’s got so much volume in that hair, she could spare some for the sound techs who mixed this episode.

Ah Eye Patch is back, and Rory Gilmore’s husband needs some Rogaine. Also he kind of looks like my elementary school principal, except like 8 inches shorter. That suit is giving me a kid-in-his-dad’s-clothes vibe, but I think that may just be ‘70’s style in general.

Sorry did I hear that right? An Oscar de la Renta dress for $189? Yes, Dom, I know it’s adjusted for inflation, BUT STILL.

Back alley sex is the only kid of sex you could hope for at a 1970s diner. Dom thinks Don is gonna get AIDS and die, because obviously that’s a really good plot point to set up in the final episodes of a series. I am pretty sure he’s just a horny rich dude with time to kill and an obsession with a dead chick he saw in his dream that the waitress kind of looks like I guess, if you’re into the sentiment that all brunettes look the same.

Oh God, more ridiculous mustaches. I wonder how many of these are real or if they pulled a Fifty Shades of Grey.

Who goes to Paris for a weekend with a stranger? I feel like that’s just the start of a 48 Hours episode. Dom keeps yelling that Peggy is going to get screwed over and I don’t know why that’s a big deal but I feel like I should mention it because it seems like a decidedly large plot point. Also, girl needs to lay off the polka dots.

I only find Jon Hamm attractive when he cries. Sorry not sorry.

I wonder if there was a thought process for the end of the episode. “Way-too-long zoom out, too-loud theme song, and a preview for next week that’s literally just parts of sentences mashed together with background music. Nailed it.”

Can’t wait for next week.

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