Growing Up With a Displeased, Narcissistic Parent
Why I question my behavior
I was a smart, talented, pretty child, who received accolades for my attributes from family members and their friends. Both my parents overstimulated me with attention and impressed upon me I was special and had the natural capability to be successful.
This translated in my psyche as pressure and rejection, because when I did not display behavior or skill in the ways it was expected (particularly from my mother), there was a disappointment, judgment, and emotional abandonment. If I did not please her the way it was assumed I should, I was bad, stupid, and incompetent.
It felt like I was being asked to live for them (or others in general), and not myself. This came in different forms from my mother and father, though for now, I am relaying the dynamic with her. She was supporting a dream she had for me (in a way, trying to live vicariously through me). So, who was on my side regarding who I really was?
The abandonment was subtle, because she was a very providing parent in terms of constancy, presence, and physical support. She was there; I was cared for in the basic ways. But the real me was not mirrored affirmatively; only when it lined up with the real her.
