Humor

Free. Please take it all.

Photo by Sarah Brown on Unsplash

Melania Trump

11th February at 11:45

Hello everyone, my husband and I moved, so I’m giving away my collection of clothes with indifferent phrases. (T-shirt with “everything is whatever, I guess” on the back, sweatpants with “this is kind of dumb” across the butt, and a bikini top with “I’m bored” on the boobs.)

Mike Pence

12th February at 8:15

Suits. Not going into an office anymore so “Mother” says I don’t need them.

Donald Turmp

13th February at 3:10

Hello, I have a bunch of Mardi Gras beads I bought and won’t get to use because Sleepy Joe cancelled…


His budget is yuge.

Photo by Marcus Lenk on Unsplash

Narrator: Donald is a former steak salesman, Melania is a retired model and current Biden/Harris supporter. With the lease on their old home coming to an abrupt and constitutional end, real estate agent Caleb only has one weekend to get these former national security risks into a home they’ll love.

Donald: Our must-haves include: one, the most beautiful, diamond-encrusted toilet you’ve ever seen, which I can use for my excellent tweets. People are reading my many, many tweets now more than ever, okay? I tweet all the time. I’m tweeting right now.

Melania: Second, I want a big living room…


Two political parties, both alike in dignity, doth see facts and sciences so very differently.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels

Two political parties, both alike in dignity,

Doth see facts and sciences so very differently.

During fair Corona, whence we lay our scene,

One bi-party couple starts dating in quarantine.

In March, both Romeo and Juliet find themselves stuck in their homes,

With nothing better to do than swipe through Tinder on their phones.

These star-cross’d lovers send each other nudes, hoping to get lucky,

Even though Juliet hails from LA and Romeo from Kentucky.

The two doth meet in secret over Zoom,

Because neither one dares to leave their room.

They bond over how Carole killed that guy on…


Photo by Camylla Battani on Unsplash

First Trimester:

Because I feel bloated like a crouton left too long in soup.

I’m worried another sperm’s gonna slip up in there, and in 9 months, we’ll have twins.

There’s a smell somewhere in this house that I hate so I need to dedicate my day to finding it and killing it.

I’m so nauseous that I haven’t eaten anything today except a banana.

I’m so nauseous that I just threw up that banana.

I wanna watch Netflix instead.

Second Trimester:

Because I’m worried you’ll squish the baby and it’ll come out with a poked-in alien face.

I finally got my appetite back…


Photo by Nick Bolton on Unsplash

“…proprietors are discovering that states will let bars, breweries, strip clubs and night clubs remain open for business as long as they serve food with their alcohol… and follow the local guidance required of restaurants.” — The Washington Post

Press Release: Monday, 10:00 AM

Dear Patrons of Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! Gentlemen’s Club,

As you know, the state has recently ordered the closure of all bars, clubs, and other “nonessential establishments” due to COVID-19.

That’s why we’re proud to announce that we’re reopening as Dirty’s Eatery: a dedicated restaurant with “all foods and fewer nudes.” …

Jillian Pretzel

Mom. Cat lover. New York transplant.

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