Who Helps the Self-Help Author When the Self-Help Author Needs Help Himself?

Me, or at least someone who dresses like me, during a much better time. — GS

Ouch! I pulled a hammy in this morning’s spin class (Curse you, Lex! Your workouts are literally too much! Haha!) so I’m turning the pen over to my good friend and Newark Times best selling self-help author Dr. Glenn Sumners,(honorary) PhD, who has a special message for you! Glenn’s latest book, “To the Quick! Tips for Nail Biters and Others Suffering from Mild Chronic Autocannibalism” is available now from Internal Equinox Publishing. Glenn is known around the world for his peaceful demeanor and his mega-expensive three-week long seminar/retreats. Take it away, Glenn!

Knock it off with your belly aching, already.

It never fails: I’m leaving Whole Foods with a tub of quinoa rub, or the squash court, sweaty and victorious, or I’m on the veranda at the Brentwood Starbucks, enjoying a Trenta-sized choocolate mocha flauntsiata (I invented it myself with Starbucks Senior Corporate Barista, Gilles. No Starbucks will make you one. It’s exclusive.) or whatever and someone will come up to me and just unload.

“I’m struggling with self-actualization.”

“My decision-making energy levels have plateaued. How do I increase nominal ambivalence?”

“My wife hates my penis. What’s stopping me from discussing this with my mom?”

It. Never. Ends.

Look, I get it. You’re hurting. Everyone’s hurting. We all hurt. But you know who’s hurting the most? On earth or what not? I am. I am totally hurting right now.

Why? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because my publisher is expecting four more books by the end of Q3 and I have no clue what to write about?!

I know what you’re thinking. You’ve got that smug smile on your face and you’re thinking, “Why don’t you go to your favorite place — Moloka’i — and try some transgressive visualization exercises?”

Well, wouldn’t you know it? I already have! And what did it get me? Why don’t you take a look at my last three book titles and then you’ll know what it got me. Allow me to jog your memory:

To the Quick! (It’s a book about nail biting, you people. Nail biting.)

Maybe You’re the Problem — How to Live with Someone Suffering from Misophonia and How You Should Close Your Mouth When You Eat Come On You’re Not Four!

The Pleasure’s All Everyone’s — Masturbation Fantasies and the Power of Interesting Casting Choices

Yup! There they are! That’s my legacy of late. With any other hack writer that would be an impressive list, but I’m the guy who invented the Emotional Inventory Audit Manifest and Fear Dancing, all in the same book. Forgive me if I think I can do a little better!

But here’s the thing, why I’m completely freaking out: Do you know what publishers do when you can’t deliver on your contract? First, they take away your Tesla. Second, they eat your family. Third, they take away your other Tesla. Believe me when I say that you do not eff with Internal Equinox’s legal team. They are not to be trifled with! I can see you giggling right now, Terrence! You mad bastard you!

So I’m sorry I can’t talk to you about how stress results in those nasty rosacea flare ups or the increased-debt-results-in-stress-spending conundrum, but I think it’s time I grab my honorary University of Phoenix PhD diploma and hide out for a little while. Okay? Okay.

Hopefully, the Muse will strike and I can conjure up 200,000 words before the beginning of Q4. Otherwise, it’s back to writing Twilight fan fiction and ghost-tweeting for 50 Cent.

Peace out.

And peace out to you, Dr. Glenn Sumners,(honorary) PhD! Hope the words find you soon. And I hope my hammy heals soon so I can be back next week with a blog post of my own!

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