Pondering on a hill
The previous evening my wife and I went for a bike ride. We had been riding for about 30 minutes when we decided to head to the park near the house. The traffic was hell as usual, which made me quite irritable. By the time we got to the park I was a mess. Luckily the park was mostly empty and the lack of people immediately did wonders for my nerves. I spotted the small man-made hill of concrete at the entrance and I mentioned that we needed to climb it. Monica being a good sport agreed. We leaned our bikes up to a tree at the base of the hill and we climbed up.
Once at the top we sat for a few minutes and just looked around. We people watched and traffic watched and listened to the sounds of the city. As I’m still a stranger to Guayaquil, I started to imagine the homes these strangers lived in. I watched women and men jog around the track. I watched a couple on the swings texting on their phones. By the way, cell phones are my new pet peeves—I hate them. These mini computers, thanks Steve Jobs, are the demise of our society. People are more interested in Facebook than the people right in front of them. Sorry, I got sidetracked.
And as I was looking around a sense of fear entered my mind. I felt self-doubt and wondered what the new year was going to bring. Was 2016 going to be another financially unstable year? Was I going to continue being a failure? And just as I was thinking these thoughts, I simply shut off my brain and focused on the beauty of the monent and focused on the eternal harmony that is the sound of “Om.”
At that precise moment Monica asked me what I was thinking. My first response was “nothing.” But I took a few deep breaths and decided to tell her the truth. I described the depressing thoughts that had been weaving their way into my conciousness and how I had vanquished them. She smiled at me and asked me why I had such thoughts.
I explained to her how my brain works. If I sit around and start to think, I usually end up on the dark side of the moon. I have always been a person of self-doubt. I have always been embarrassed of who I am. I have always felt alone. In order for me to overcome this negativity I simply shut down my brain and force myself not to think at all. It is a kind of meditation. I focus on the infinite darkness that is peace and tranquility. I focus in the moment and breathe in the beauty. Yes, this is not a simple task for someone like me to do, but I have to force myself into this state of mind in order to avoid depression.
I further explained to her that when I get an idea, I have to act on it immediately or forever forget it. I simply work best this way. We all have our mechanisms for survival and this is mine. If I sit and ponder on an idea too long, I will begin to see the weaknesses and conclude it a failure. It’s not wise for me to think about anything for too long if I don’t intend to act on it.
After explaining this to her, she reminded me of all the wonderful things we had accomplished in 2015. I looked at her and smiled. She then forced me to exercise with her ontop of the man-made hill and life was good again. We finished our sweating session and rode our bikes home.
Jaime is a filmmaker and explorer of life.