Living by yourself is not a thing every human being can bare. You may say that you lived alone. I can feel it. That is why I must make my point clearer. I am not talking about living alone. I am talking about being lonely. Expecting nobody. Literally, Expecting nobody so much that when the door bell rings, you know that it is the postman or the janitor or someone else who is there just because that is their job. You know that it is not a friend or a significant other or a boy friend or a girl friend. It is just nobody who sees you as another nobody. I am not talking about being desperate. I am talking about living the desperation itself. At this point, you never buy food more than a portion. Your fridge is a mini refrigerator. Your flat is a single-room flat. A bottle of wine is not just for one night. You never turn your dish washer on more than once a week. Because you never have more than one dirty plate in a day. Or not more than a dirty set of cutlery. Such a big break-off phenomenon that you don’t even think of fear of loneliness. It has been a long time since the last time you felt lonesome or were afraid of dieing alone. I am referring to such an isolation that you buy every single thing for only yourself.
Solitude is so big that you buy a single bed because you know for sure that you will never share it with someone else. You don’t even hesitate about it. It may have several reasons. You could be too ugly to have a company in the bed. You could be too secluded that you sound freaky and weirdo. However, all of these are out of question now, because you don’t even have a chance of freaking someone out with your weirdness.
Even in this desperation, you still have hope for recognition. you are still expecting a distillation for your suffering. Even though you are certain that none will ever step into through your exterior door, you still find the rhapsody in the rhythm of your door bell. You still hope that someone will read a thing you wrote, find a piece of themselves in it or see the distinction in the color of you and appreciate it.