My Most Unfairly-Rejected McSweeney’s Humor Pieces of All Time
Published in
3 min readJun 9, 2018
- Attention, Fasciated Plantars!
- Goofus, Gallant, Roshambo
- Mickey Mouse Club Opium-Den Roll Call
- Open Letter: Dear Mr. McSweeney, Just Letting You Know I Found a Typo in My Last Submission a Few Weeks Back. I Fixed It. Here It Is Again, Just in Case That Was the Reason I Hadn’t Heard Back Yet. No Worries Either Way. Thanks for Reading. Love Your Work. It Would Be a Real Honor to Appear in Your Publication. Probably Going Long Now. Sorry. Thanks. (P.S. Keep Up the Good Work!)
- I Know You Say You’re Not The Onion, But…
- An Elegy for Word Limits, Part Two
- What I Imagine My Dog is Thinking in These Circumstances
- Open Letter: Hey, McSweeney’s, It’s Me, Just Following Up on My Submission of Six Months Ago. I’m Sure You’re Busy. I’ll Wait.
- Top Ten Reasons I am Not a Bitter Person
- Wocka Wocka, the Musical!
- Gout is No Picnic, Let Me Tell You
- Vance MacPherson, Special Agent Detective for the Stars
- Open Letter: McSweeney’s, Hey Guys (& Gals), I Realize Now My Last Submission Was a Little Long (3,200 Words) But Hopefully You Read the Whole Thing. It Gets Really Good at the End. Just Letting You Know I Can Cut it Down if That Would Help. (Also, I Now Know Mr. McSweeney is Not, Like, a Real Guy Who Reads the Submissions, So Hopefully My Last Open Letter Made It to the Right Desk. Sorry!)
- Inside Joke: A Lengthy Fleshing Out
- That Time We Partied
- Consider the Prawn
- Open Letter: To Whom It May Concern at McSweeney’s: ANSWER ME!
- List: What If Buzzfeed Did the Ten Commandments? I Think It Would Go… a Little Something… Like This
- 2006 Funny Thing
- Knock Knock Jokes, but for Millennials, So, With Ring® Video Doorbells
- Also Sprach Zarathustra, as Read by Kellyanne Conway (Or, Daily Press Briefing by New Trump Press Secretary, Friederich Nietzsche)
- Prince Harry’s Honeymoon E-Mail Out-of-Office Auto-Reply
- List: Forty Topical Puns
- Find & Replace: Bush with Trump
- List: Submissions to McSweeney’s I Would Now Like to Officially Withdrawn in Light of #metoo. 2009 Was a Long Time Ago. I Have Grown as a Person.
- Open Letter: McSweeney’s Website Editor, Christopher Monks, Just Tell Me What I Have to Do! I NEED THIS!!
- What Your Desperate Need for Approval by Anonymous But Universally-Accepted Arbiters of “Smart” Humor Says About You
- Open Letter: McSweeney’s, Hey, I Got the Rejection E-Mail. No Worries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll Try Again!!!
- Last but not least…
