Trump Rally or Metal Show?

“My Rocking Good Time Seeing the Dark Lord of Politics”

There is nothing like a good metal show. Back in the day you would hear about legendary tours with the likes of Mötley Crüe, Cinderella, and Guns and Roses on the same bill. The stuff that dreams were made of.

Shows like these were truly a cultural experience not to be missed. A rebellious energy hung in the air alongside the smell of cheap stale weed. Crowds of insanely dressed fans were filled with anticipation (and stale weed). Curious as to what kind of insane antics their favorite front man would pull.

Those were the days. Give the microphone to a mad man with crazy hair and makeup and just let loose! Nothing to hold you back except for your spandex pants.

Many think that the glory days are behind us, never to be seen again. Well fret not, my head banging brothers and sisters. I recently attended a Trump rally and I am here to report that metal is alive and well!!

Let me tell you about my experience.

The Parking Lot

The parking lot was just as I remembered it. Everyone was going crazy. Some people didn’t even have tickets. They were just there to be part of the scene.

There was a real party vibe and enough denim to outfit a Canadian wedding. No hacky sacks or any of that nonsense. This ain’t no Phish concert.

Almost every parking spot was occupied by a late model Chevy pickup truck topped with a giant American flag. The exhaust systems were almost as loud as the outspoken drivers.

I personally am a fan of the pickup truck. I feel that between the mudflaps and the bumper stickers you really know all that you need to know about a guy.

It was a peaceful vibe for the most part. There were a few scuffles and a smattering of hate speech (mostly racial and homophobic but some was misogynistic as well). In a crowd this size that is to be expected though.

I did see one guy who I thought got his teeth kicked in. Luckily it turned out that his teeth just always look that way.

To be honest, and I am not proud to tell you this, I got into a bit of an altercation. This Bernie Sanders supporting, Paul Simon look alike, started in on me about my MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, hat.

“Do you know where that hat was made?” he asked, in his uptight educated voice.
“It was made in China” he quipped, before I had a chance to answer.

(Good thing he did. I would have guessed America.)

“Yeah?” I barked back. “Well great nations don’t waste their time making hats. We make Corvettes, and BBQ. And we make walls. Big ass walls to keep out people wearing a different kind of hat. That’s right.. Sombreros. Better yet we’ll have the guys in the sombreros make the wall!”

He must have gotten the point because he walked away halfway through my speech. I figured maybe he was late for a sit in at a safe space on his campus or something.

And with that it was time to head into the show.

The Show

I always love the walk into the arena before a big show. There is so much chatter and buzz. You can feel the energy. I was floating in a sea of stars and bars.

A guy told me that two nights ago in Chicago things got so crazy that Trump never even took the stage! Such an Axl Rose move. So metal. So rock and roll.

The merch booth was pretty sick. They had it all. Trump shirts, Trump water, Trump steaks. You name it. Tons of great keepsakes.

I navigated through the crowd and made my way to my seat. It wasn’t the best seat in the house, but I was pumped nonetheless. In mere moments the show would start!

The Donald took the stage like a rock god. His hair was so teased up that it looked like he used two cans of Aqua Net. I don’t even know how to describe his makeup. His face was so orange that he looked like a demonic Oompa Loompa. What a stage presence.

It was a good five minutes before the crowd was quiet enough for him to begin.

Right out of the gate he starts referencing his penis size. A play right out of Robert Plant’s playbook. A good portion of the women were elderly but I’m sure they were still swooning.

Then he told us that he was terrific a couple of dozen times (as if we didn’t know already).

Unfortunately, there were not many pyrotechnic effects. I can only assume that has something to do with the tight fracking regulations imposed by the ultra left.

At one point, Trump started gesticulating violently. I thought he was having a seizure! Figured maybe he got some bad acid or something. I later found out that he was just making fun of a disabled reporter. Thank God.

Something I have always loved at live shows is when the band brings up a special guest or two. Trump did not disappoint in this department.

Halfway through the night he brought out Chris Christie. I assume that Mr. Christie must have never been back stage at a metal show before. You could tell that he had gotten into some crazy drugs back there. His eyes were spinning. He had no idea where he was. Totally epic!

I spotted Dr. Ben Carson stage right but he didn’t come out. I couldn’t figure out what Carson was doing there. It was like Stryper showing up at a Dio show. Maybe that’s why The Don didn’t bring him out. A true showman can really sense these things.

The Set List

A well constructed set list can turn a good show into a great show. The songs need to flow from one to the next. Anticipation must be built. You can’t start the show with a ballad. Do you think that The Crüe ever opened with Home Sweet Home? No way!

Obviously Mr. Trump is aware of this. Of course he’s aware of it. He’s the best. He told us so.

After setting the tone with a little penis talk, The Don starts blasting through what we want to hear with a white hot intensity rivaled only by the white hot patriotism of those in attendance.

He’s firing on all pistons!

  • Gun control? Screw it!
  • Hillary? She’s a fat load in a cheap pants suit.
  • Obama? Don’t get him started.
  • Ted Cruz? No bueño.
  • Mitt Romney? Get on your knees!

And on he goes until he hits a hiccup.

Every concert goer has experienced it. We don’t like it, but it’s a fact of life. The band is playing a song off of the upcoming album. We don’t know it and we don’t want to hear it.

I have two words. Pee break.

Trump’s new single was some sort of twist on his immigration stance. He brought a legal immigrant up on stage to let us know that he was cool with legal immigration.

At least I think that was the point. I can’t be sure. I was in the men’s room.

And then without warning the show was over. The Donald dropped the mic and left the stage. I was amped up yet still unsatisfied.

Some of the fans around me started shuffling out. Was this their first concert? What were they doing? He hadn’t done his big hit yet. What about the wall?

I started chanting.

One more. One more. One more.

Everyone joined in. Those who had the ability to, stand stood. The rest revved up their little scooters.

Our voices were heard loud and clear. Our hopes were confirmed with a single glorious spotlight shining down on the podium. The orange one came strutting back out and the place absolutely erupted!

“You want to hear about the wall?” He asked rhetorically.
“I’ll tell you about the wall! I’ll tell you all about the wall.”

And tell us, he did.

It was awe inspiring.

Mr. Trump was feeding off of the electric energy of the crowd. He was in the zone. I can only compare it to Slash being lost in a ripping solo. With every smug sentence the wall got three feet taller. With every unsubstantiated claim the razor wire got that much sharper. With every insensitive insult we became even more American, and on it went.

I have never seen anything like it. The guy beside me lost all control and urinated in his pants. Actually that may have been inevitable. Who knows?

Either way it was the most metal show I have ever seen.

A mad man with crazy hair and a microphone. That’s all you need.

I’ll say it again.

Heavy Metal is alive and well.

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