I Work From Home

I work from home, for myself, so I’m pretty flexible. I wake up around 9AM everyday, but I don’t really have to. Sometimes I don’t get dressed. I always brush my teeth. I decide what to do and when to do it. The only people I have to answer to is the ones I owe money to. And with the exception of my landlord, I don’t know what any of them look like. So yeah, I’ll meet you for lunch. Of course I can run an errand for you. I’ll help you move a large piece of furniture too. I’m free. Totally flexible. I work from home, remember? So that’s like not really working at all, really. I spend most of my day on facebook and a few choice blogs. I read all the thinkpieces, and I think about them. You know, because I work from home. Did you want to talk on the phone for a few hours? Give me a call whenever, I’m flexible.

Uh oh, I think I’m getting sick. I should probably call my boss (me) to let her know. She’s cool with it. When I’m being my own boss, I refer to my boss as a woman because not only do I make up my own hours, I make up my own boss’s gender. I’ll probably work while I’m sick anyway because I’ll just bring my laptop to bed with me. What a fucking dream this is.

My vocal chords often don’t let out so much as a yawn between 11AM and 7PM, because I’m not tired, and I’ve got no one to talk to. That’s right. Nobody to talk to. No coworkers. Just my cats and some gchat friends. They all work from home too. Technically we work together. But as you know, people who work from home don’t actually work. So let me know if you want to meet up for a long lunch somewhere, or if you need me to run your kids to soccer practice. If you’ve got an elderly relative, I’ll visit them on your behalf during normal business hours. It would be nice because then we’d both have someone to talk to and socialization has been proven to lengthen one’s life. I work from home so I talk to people less, so I will die sooner. However, I will go peacefully knowing that there’s no bad blood between my co-workers and I.

Who the fuck ate my tunafish sandwich? Oh it was me. I’m the only one who eats from the office fridge. If anyone would like to talk to me, let me know because I’m around most of the day. I’ll probably leave at night though, or maybe I’ll just keep working at ten percent until I fall asleep fifteen feet from where the burden of my work is. But whatever, I don’t have to do it because I work from home.