How Many Dates Does It Take To Fall In Love?
So I’ve got this friend who happens to be great with the ladies… And naturally I get curious about his strategy — how does he set himself apart on the dating scene.
We got talking an with an unexpected twist, he shared with me his ‘Ten Date Rule’ and I think it has a lot going for it. Forever the guinea pig before giving out advice, I gave it a good run for its money and since then, it’s certainly paved the way for a strong foundation in my current relationship.
So what is The Ten Date rule?
The Ten-Date Rule is a little bit of genius. It provides certainty for the mind, along with the space to really get to know someone — before we get too emotionally entangled to make any sane decision. And it doesn’t have to be ten dates exactly — make of it what you will — but the point is that there is a specified time frame for which you hold off sexual intimacy and any form of commitment to each another.
This gives us a lot of insight into how much to invest in the relationship as we discover how trustworthy / genuine / sensible / mature / reliable and AWESOME this new person really is.
The key here is to keep things casual. By committing to a specified period of time, we stop ourselves from getting carried away and projecting too far into the future (the biggest premature killer of relationships). Instead, it’s about carrying an essence of curiosity, without the expectation of a particular outcome.
Now, this period can be spoken or unspoken between you, depending on how you want to navigate it. You can even be a little cheeky and thrive off the sexual tension. The trick is to read the other person before laying it out for them, because having ten dates as a hard and fast rule may put some people off.
Of course, during this time you can still flirt, date, kiss, cuddle and see other people, but you want to refrain from having sex while you suss this potential ‘other’ out.
And I know this might sound a little old-fashioned in our modern age of hook-ups and one-night-stands, but if you’re really looking for a deeper and more lasting connection, it pays to take your time in getting to know someone first. We can’t always see the warning signs of a partner’s character right away and it hurts to find you’ve invested your time, energy and love into a person who’s not ready to match you on it.
As a woman, the 10-Date Rule surgically removes the guys who are just in it for the sex.
Secondly, it helps to weed out the guys who are likely to let us down or hurt us in the future.
It also gives us time to check in and see if our core values are in alignment, which is one of the most influential factors of a successful relationship. And, in the long run, it’s this kind of ‘earned attraction’ that keeps the passion alive and builds a sturdy foundation for an ongoing relationship.
For a man, it works because we women are often used to men moving way too fast, which puts us in the uncomfortable position of having to make a quick decision as to whether or not we get sexual, or risk bruising egos and ending the relationship unnecessarily.
The thing is, when a guy moves too fast it doesn’t distinguish you from the kinds of guys we’ve been disappointed by in the past.
On the flip side, when you show a genuine preparedness to take things slow, it takes the pressure off and makes us feel much safer and relaxed in hanging out with you. It also gives us a real opportunity to fall in love with who you are.
By the way, this does not mean hiding or suppressing your sexual desire; but rather demonstrating — in elegant ways — that you have control over it and you’re prepared to wait for the right woman if that’s what it takes.
Besides, these introductory dates can be a very fun opportunity to bring out your inner child and get sensual without any pressure, like kids playing in a different kind of sandbox.
Overall, the Ten Date Rule means that instead of rushing into things, we actually take the time to get to know each other as friends and human beings first. This is essential in order to have a truly intimate relationship. It also keeps us free of falling into any needy and manipulative patterns that are sure to push a real catch away.
Ultimately this allows us to feel safe in opening our hearts to the possibility of a real, deep and sexy kind of love. And, to do that responsibly, we need to feel that we know a person, can trust them, and that we are right for them.
This article first appeared on my blog: www.jiveny.com/articles