On Learning to Accept Failures
Two years ago, as part of my tenure process, I wrote a failure resume for the first time. In it, I documented how I had failed through numerous grant writing experiences. For the first time and through that experience, I learnt that failure and fear of failing are all part of my journey through academia. Which makes sense looking back. Despite a fear of heights, I went paragliding in Lausanne, Switzerland with my dear friend Nnenna Kalu Makanjuola during our internship days at the World Health Organization. Despite a fear of lions, I boldly went into a cage at a lion park with Rhonda Belue in South Africa, with the king of the jungle himself and smiled as if I was not afraid. Fear has always been close by fueling my passion, but failure, especially the fear of failure still remains the ‘measure of my life.’
I have failed when writing. I have failed with teaching. I have even failed with mentoring some students and this failure is terrible. But the failure with unsuccessful grants as documented in my failure resume, can be disheartening and demoralizing making you feel helpless with your ideas even though you want to be hopeful. So why write so many grants, just to fail? Successful grants are very satisfying, but in looking through my failure resume, my unsuccessful, not funded grants are sterling, the ones on sustainability being my favorite. The more I write and I fail, the more I want to write again and again even though I know it may end in failure. The question, ‘what is the worst thing that can happen? is my new mantra and if it includes a heavy dose of failure, then so help me God.
But of course no one wants to fail, especially with grant writing. It takes a lot of energy to write a grant and you are better off knitting a sweater that you can at least show off than to fail. I am learning that the tenacity and discipline required to know and believe in your dreams includes traveling through a road filled with potholes of failures. ‘When a grant fails, it’s not you, just a failure in clearly articulating the issues,’ noted my friend Enbal Shacham recently during a guest lecture for the grantwriting class I teach. I needed to hear that. I am learning to accept all my failures so that I grow and become clear with articulating the issues properly. I am learning to own my failures so that I stop repeating my errors in the future.
I know this may all sound crazy but think of this for a moment: No one likes failure. Yet we all fail more than we succeed. Everyone is happy and ready to celebrate the success. No one shares their failure resumes. But I am prepared to normalize failing. When you work really hard, like with writing a grant, and still fail, then failure has to be the teacher. Every failed grant becomes a new opportunity for growth. Every failed grant may open the door to your innermost desires. Every failed grant is a reminder of why you need to have an unshakable faith in yourself. The failure is yours and it is purposefully designed to make you believe in the audacity of you. It doesn’t matter how many times you fail. What matters is how you handle the failure. I accept that my failures are all part of my learning.
For far to long I have operated from a place of fear with grant writing, the fear of failure being the biggest. But when I wrote about my journey through grant writing for the course I teach, I was reminded that my journey started with failure. My very first grant failed. But that failure became an opportunity for growth. I took a chance on myself and turned that early failure into success. Since then, I have failed multiple times and each failure remains stunning. But this post is a reminder to myself as it is to you, that failure is still part of my journey. Success may open doors, but the purpose, the very genuine purpose of failure, is to build character. It helps you tackle new challenges. It helps you move forward despite setbacks. I am becoming confident in discussing what sustainability means, because I have made so many mistakes and gone in the wrong direction plenty times. I accept my failures. They have taught me how to stay hungry for my dreams and desires. Every failure is a reminder that my dreams are possible. Every failure is a glimmer of hope, even when standing in the middle of a storm. Every failure will ultimately lead me down the path that I am meant to be on, no matter how difficult the journey may be. I choose to accept failing with the hope that it continues to fuels the hunger and desire to live a life exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever hope or dream of. I am preparing myself mentally now, to learn from failing as I work towards what is in store for me. Angele Kingue in her novel Venus of Khala-Kanti, closed with this quote; “As you wait for happiness, be as hard and strong as a stone.” Failure is my stone.
It is also like the ‘Looking up’ sculpture at Forest Park; if failure is inevitable with life, then I might as well keep looking up to the One who allows it to happen in the first place. He alone knows the plans He has for me. It has taken a long time to get to this place and I’ll probably struggle along the way. If a fulfilling career is a desire, I know that failure is inevitable. I purposefully accept my failures, all of them, in order to step into the audacious dreams I have for myself.
