by Jason John Bartholomew
March 12, 2017
Upon deciding to love you, regardless, the path clears of fog a bit. Now there’s destination, agenda, a guiding principle. Clearing up confusion about what let’s me focus on how, and in that regard, things get easier.
But not easy. Do you have any idea how hard you are to love? Do you have an idea how hard it is to love someone who dislikes you?
And so be it. I get that you think I’m weak and needy and a hapless push-over, and guess what? You’re absolutely right. I’m some of all that, and I’m not great at loving you. Somedays I want to see you get what you so richly deserve, the whole steaming shit plate of it, so badly I literally vibrate with rage. Other times, my contempt for your mindless, dumb-as-ear-wax, cliquish, Mean Girls’ cruelty poisons my saliva all day with an aftertaste of some industrial chemical solvent. But then again, love isn’t glitter and pink feather pens and unicorn stickers, is it?
Love is the hardest fucking thing in the world if for no other reason than a commitment to loving means never getting to rest too long in the sweet, self-blameless retreat of mean thoughts and hatred. While it may be true that you’re a shallow and reactive asshole, a commitment to loving you doesn’t mean I get to change that about you. Loving you is my choice and the only change agent I have in my arsenal is the ability to change myself. That sucks like pickled eggs when it means I have to now learn how to love a toxic asshole who is on a mission to prove universal love is the most ridiculous concept imaginable, and I have to learn to do it not out of spite that wants to prove a point, but in spite of the spite. Yeah, this is the 100% proof, top shelf, hard to come by, real fucking deal love. It sure as shit ain’t the easy like Sunday morning, scones with raspberry jam, organic cotton loungewear kind of love. This love lifestyle isn’t square, button-down or mainstream. It’s still completely radical, almost irrationally radical. But love has it’s own agenda and it’s own logic.
And now the course is set. I no longer need to worry about who you are and where you fit into my life story. You’re you, the person teaching me all purpose love; teaching me how to love hard and without silly string.