Not Sorry, My Unvalentine

by Jason John Bartholomew
February 14, 2017

I’m not ashamed that I let myself be vulnerable to you and I’m not ashamed I wore my heart on my sleeve. I’m not ashamed I was reactive or jealous or over the top. You mattered. This mattered. And I let it matter and I didn’t try to hide how much or mask any of it.

If I came off at times as needy, ok. People are needy. I’m sorry you chose to see me as only needy, and as a particular kind of needy and not as real and brave. It just seems to me there comes a time when the stakes are too high and when too much energy has been wasted on putting up a calculated cool and debonair facade. I didn’t do that with you, sometimes out of conscious choice and sometimes less so. I never even tried to do that.

I assumed you could see the other things I am and the other parts of me, for they were on full display as well. I didn’t want to play games with you and I didn’t want to hide that you affect me deeply or that I can be vulnerable, even needy, and sometimes a hot mess. I figured you’d find all that out soon enough. I did not front and I did not hide any of it, the good, the awful or the horribly ugly. I have never played it that real or unaffected before and so, no, I am not sorry.

I gave you all of me to digest, no airs or pretense. I think what you saw is what you chose to see and not the totality of what I allowed you to see, but that is neither here nor there. The bottom line is I did not hide and I played it like you mattered, like what was going on between us mattered and mattered a lot. So I can never be sorry for that, it was an honest performance and an honest game.

I am sorry you don’t want this, but other than that, I am just not sorry.