The Advocate: A God’s Family Serial.
by Jason John Bartholomew
The Defense calls the Solar Angel Lucifer to the stand. Your Honor…may I approach….your honor, Lucy has, sorry,, Lucifer has agreed…Terence, shut up and mind your own case. In case you haven’t noticed you’re kinda, sorta losing here. You should have warned your client, the one nodding off and drooling over there, that some strange reason no one can put their finger on juries just aren’t finding themselves so predisposed to side with entitled old white megalomaniacs these days.
Sorry, your Honor, it won’t happen again. No. Sorry. You’re right. It probably will, but Terence is a jack… sorry. No sit. Thank you sir, I appreciate your leniency. I’m a little behind on my child support.
Of course. Your Honor, Lucifer has agreed to appear and testify on his own behalf but only if he be allowed to enter the courtroom from the back there to a little music…yes sir,I understand.
Well, no your Honor, you actually can’t. I mean, yes, you can say “I compel the Archangel Luciifer to appear before this court” and you can let Max there — hey Max, how’s it going man? — walk his nightstick around the block a few times, but we both know the Marshalls won’t be returning with a cuffed Rebel Angel. Besides, he’s the Defendant. You can’t force him to testify. Well no, you reall can’t.
Fine. Issue the bench warrant and we can all go home and maybe in five thousand more years we can try this again
Terrance, I swear to…I swear I’m gonna pop you in your big fat Jew nose if you don’t shut the fuck up. At least my client will still be alive. How long have they given Gramps over there? Til Friday?
Your Honor, look. He’s here now. The whole thingmight be very entertaining. I say we give him what he wants and then we put this whole business to rest once and for all.
I don’t, Sir, no. Three minutes max I’m told, so I’m thinking somewhere between 6 and 12. I don’t know. I don’t the answer to that either, Sir.
The last I heard it was going to be We Are The Champions or maybe something from Rocky Horror, but we both know whatever I say, it won’t. be that. Yes? Really? Are you sure? No, no, yes is great, I just wasn’t expect..,Thank you, your Honor. And here’s a check for my next contempt charge, just fill an
amount, because at the next recess , I will definitely be stomping Terrance’s ass.
What? Fuck my kids, their soon-to-be step-daddy owns a yacht and their allowance could pay my rent. So fuck them and their whore mother. Bwhahaha, fuck you Charles Hughes Montgomery Bennington III, she will suck your cock and swallow one last time on your honeymoon and that will be that. You spend all your nights wandering that giant Hamptons mansion playing hide-n-seek with the most expensive twat you ever had pay for but can’t ever touch. Oh you will definitely be paying. Sucker!
Get lost , Terrence. Oh. But not in the desert. Unless you can remember this time thar the sun rises in the east every single day.
Fuck my life.
Ahem.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, MAKING HIS COURTROOM DRAMA DEBUT, YOU KNOW YOU LOVE HIM …AFTER ALL HE TAUGHT YOU HOW TO STEAL BOOZE FROM YOUR PARENTS AND HOW TO MASTURBATE, THE ONE AND ONLY. ANGEL WITH NO GENUFLECT REFLEX, I GIVE YOU THE MORNING STAR HIMSELF, LUCIFER!!!
Ok. Here we go. Surely he won’t do pyrotechnics here. It’s a National Landmark Building. Fuck. Ga-Ga. I should seen that coming. Edgy but not really. Not Die Antwoord edgy. Broad mass appeal. Oh crap. Did he drop acid with Madonna last night? What the fuck is he wearing?! Jesus Christ!
Oh no. Not you, Jesus. Wait. No. Yes, you too. You’ve been wearing that same smock look for like 2000 years. You look like a douche. Get it together, man. And get a haircut or pull that mess back into a hipster bun. How do you not know Fabio ruined long hair on men forever? God, you’re pathetic. You too, Drools
Jesus., shhh shhhh shhh. Hush. This isn’t reslly about you. Zip it. I have to go make your half brother there so affectionately referred to by everybody for all of time as the Prince of Liies look like he gives a fuck and appear. to telling the truth. What are the chances? I dunno the Ga Ga wasn’t bad and he’s very charming and everyobe’s suck to death of G Dog over there, so fingers crossed…here we go…tie? check. Clear throat of phlegm? Check. Graviitas in place? Check. Legal pad…where the legal pad? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY LEGAL PAD?
TERRENCE!!!
