Bottles Break

J Bell
J Bell
Sep 6, 2018 · 3 min read

A metaphor. A disclaimer. A mystery. A reality.

Suck it up, keep it in, that’s where it’s safe. Talk about your problems, share what’s bothering you, and you’ll only be making yourself more vulnerable when the listener dismisses your concerns, your feelings, for whatever they consider a good reason. People will always advocate communication, but consider their motives. Curiosity? Possibly. Sincerity? Unlikely.

Understandably, we all want to believe that we’ve encountered that one person, that one friend, that one being, that makes it ok, makes it safe to let the bridge down, and let them in. It makes no sense. After repeated let downs, why do we still, secretly, in the depths of us, yearn to be able to become vulnerable before someone? Is it in our nature to share? Is it really in our being to “need" connection? If so, how do we end it, because clearly its in our nature to trample on the core of those who take such a risk with us.

I can’t. It’s not in me to share easily. Few times I’ve tried have not made me interested in trying again. If people aren’t evil by nature, then we’re evil by choice so I do not choose to believe the latter.Either way, however, evil is an accessory worn by all, utilized by many. How can one, when one bares all to them, respond with selfishness and greed? Does hurting distract from hurt?

Constructing the belief that sharing you with others, will somehow benefit you, is too risky, laughable even. Why should my sanity and security, my peace and survival, be tied to the response of others after I’ve laid it all before them? Individuals dependent on individuals. This seems a recipe for disaster and a formula for torment. Then what? Can you really blame others for how they react to you? They are more than allowed to be themselves, regardless of the impact. A bitter pill to swallow.

I saw hope once. I held belief before. It seemed real, felt real. It stayed for a while, so I believed it would stand the exam of time. It didn’t. When such a situation occurs, how does one go back to the state they were in before? Even when you’ve resolved to never do it again, you’re already broken. Your inner person has been thrashed by the nonchalant actions of someone you held dear. Now, left second guessing every “I’m here for you”, and every “I love you”. Not assigning the title of liar to everyone, but unable to swear it not necessary.

Do away with any hope you may have of finding anyone you can hold in such esteem. Focus on yourself. That’s not selfish, it’s survival. It would not be wise to just assume all are out to get you, to hurt you, manipulate and abuse you, some do it without knowing. But protect you. You are the only one standing between them and your heart. You are your gatekeeper. Kept it in. It’s safe there, and when you run out of space, then the repository of your hurt will begin to dismantle. Keep that to yourself also, and let no one know your torment.

Expect nothing then nothing will disappoint. Let the bottle break, who cares. Sweep the shards underneath your quiet. Greater is the hurt when you share and get nothing than if you get nothing after having not shared. Protect you. No one else will. When it gets unbearable, when the seams begin to tare, suffer in silence, truly the end of such is near.

J Bell

Written by

J Bell

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