FEAR

So, why am I so intent on avoiding FEAR? If I acknowledge to myself I actually have fears, what is the WORST that could happen?

During the past two years, I have been undergoing a new type of counseling, with a different counselor.

When we began, I took a lot of my 45 minutes each week, trying to give him facts about my family life and my current living situations. Facts that I thought he should know.

At that time, I was living in a two bedroom apartment. One daughter and her boyfriend actually shared the second bedroom, and I shared the rest of the apartment with my other daughter and her three children, my grandchildren. These additional four, where to live here only for a few months.

Basically, one or both daughter’s and their families, had lived with me on and off, sometimes for years at a time, for the past twenty years. The financial burdens of housing and feeding, pretty much was left on me.

Fear, you ask? What about fear? I refused to acknowledge any fear. Yes, I worried about my finances, which were minimal, but somehow I knew everything would work out. My daughters would find and hold on to jobs and we would find them suitable housing. Foremost on my mind, and both daughters where always pushing this on me,was to prevent them from living on the street. My GRANDCHILDREN! I couldn’t let this happen to them!

Throughout the years, I received Psychiatric treatments, medicines and was hospitalized a number of times. To be true, my Mental Illness was going nowhere, definitely not improving.

So, I HAD to CHANGE it! New Doctor and New Counselor. I also HAD to WORK at this, really put forth the EFFORTS. I also had to establish TOUGH LOVE as far as my daughters were concerned. HAD TO…it was going to be them or ME.

I am in my own apartment now. It’s just me and my cat, FeeFee. But back to the question of FEAR. I just can not accept fear. In my mind, if there is fear in me, fear of what next, then THERE IS NO USE to continue my JOURNEY.

Why don’t I just GIVE UP? Don’t believe for a second I haven’t had these thoughts, made plans, even started to carry out those plans.

MY GRANDCHILDREN….I CAN NOT Fear that I will FAIL. Fail me or them. No way….I AM a SURVIVOR and there is nothing I can NOT do. For me or for THEM. To be Fearful is the same to me as GIVING Up. It WONT happen to ME and I will do ANYTHING to MAKE SURE THESE GRANDCHILDREN NEVER GIVE UP….NEVER NEED TO FEAR TOMORROW.

So, NO, I can’t accept FEAR.

This is the first time I’ve let the words flow. I am open to and would welcome any comments. A Heart would be nice too.