All of my artistic endeavors are now being channeled into the umbrella name 30% studios. This will include all my music, art, design, graphics and anything else I choose to put there. 30% refers to a near death experience I had in which I was given a 30% chance of living through. It was a bit of an eye opener and led to me changing my mind about quite a few things.
One of the first things I realized after pulling the feeding tube out of my face was that being sick was not actually all that much fun. This applied to being both mentally and physically ill. It was at this point that I decided that I didn’t want to be labeled as psychotic anymore, especially when being “merely” bi-polar was more than enough to cause pain and suffering to those who loved me and myself. So Psychtoic! Sound Systems was going to be renamed.
As I lay in the ICU unaware of whether it was day or night I realized that this was as close to rock bottom as I cared to be. There was no further descent when none of my friends came to visit me, my family wouldn’t stay to see me out of my coma and the two people I loved the most couldn’t stop hating each other long enough to release the palpable tension that they had created. So Descent Psychosis had to change, too.
So if I didn’t want to be labeled as sick, why am I advertising I almost died?
30% is a difficult number to me. It’s not quite unsurmountable, but it’s definitely not high enough to assume you will live. But it’s definitely enough to make you think. I have thought long and hard about it. I was in a coma for four days during which at some point my girlfriend whispered words in my ear to the effect of:
”All of these people have done everything they can. They’ve brought in all these machines and specialists to make sure that you live. But they have done all they can at this point. Now you have to take over. If you want to live, it’s on you. You have to do it. You and you alone will bring you out of this And I believe you want to live. And I believe in you”
I believe wholeheartedly that was the moment I started getting better. I believe wholeheartedly that I need to be reminded that when confronted with a choice between life and death, I chose life.
A Healthy Life.
So for the time being, while I work through all of this, it’s 30% Studios. A reminder that death is only there if you want it.
A reminder I can change.