On Ethical Trolling

Jessica Kotzer
Draft · 4 min read

Trolls have a historically bad reputation. First came the ugly dwarf under the bridge who spawned from folklore. He was known to quarrel and make life difficult for people who crossed his path.

Much later came the internet troll. This trolls’ origin story began as an inside joke. Veteran online forum users — later known as trolls — would express their frustrations about the repetitiveness of newbie question and topic posts in an obnoxiously subtle manner meant to confuse new users and make other veterans teehee.

Like other trolls, the ethical trolls’ trolling behaviors are fuelled in part by social critique, in part by an anxious need for comic relief. They question every religion, every philosophy, every social movement. They refuse to believe what sensible people know is true, sometimes to such extreme measures that anything outside the realm of arithmetic is flagged questionable.

This type of troll is prone to use satire and quietly black-hat most if not all of the opinions of their loved ones. The larger the group that is in agreeance, the more skeptical the ethical troll becomes of that group's thoughts or behaviors. They can’t help but feel that people, complicated and artistic as we may be, are — without exception- massive idiots.

To all trolls, really, no creed is safe from dissection. Every troll has experienced moments of pleasure in pointing out the irony in human follies, which quickly leads to others asking, “why are you such an ass?” There is something earnest and annoying about the troll's ability, on any given day, to troll.

The ethical troll isn’t much different from the next troll.

The only social custom that the ethical troll leaves exempt to critique tends to be that of being a pet owner because the opinionless unconditional love of a dog is especially precious to the ethical troll. Even then, as they cuddle up with their furry companions, they question the ethics of ownership.

This — the trolls unwavering ability to question their own actions and ideologies as much as they question others — is what makes this type of troll one of ethics.

The ethical troll trolls oneself just as hard as they troll the world around them.

They are full of self-doubt, you see. They know magicians build careers around deception and that they could be duped like any fool, and so they cannot trust their very own eyes.

They hope that no matter the circumstance, they’d do anything to survive — nay, thrive! — but they’re aware that if they were one of Martin Seligman’s dogs, they too might learn helplessness.

They try to be counterculture by doing and having unique things, quickly realizing their love for travel is romantic consumerism, their heartfelt hashtags are narcissistic, and that anything dubbed ‘counterculture’ is totally in right now.

They want to believe that their choices are why they have their good fortune, but how can they believe that and also feel like the notion of a just world is a fallacy?

Even the recycling, bicycling, philanthropic vegan ethical troll knows that they could lessen their ecofootprint if only they ventured out into the bush to live off the land. But of course, that too would lead to self-trolling i.e. “wtf am I doing living in the bush?”

Ethical trolls can’t help it. They know that people don’t often change their beliefs just because they are presented with silly old facts. And they know that just because they are somewhat educated in human psychology does not mean they are excluded from being stubborn idiots like the rest of us.

The ethical troll, most simply put, believes that no human — not even themselves — can escape stupidity. They find it difficult to troll others, as a troll does, because they know they are, or have in some way been, really fucking stupid.

All things considered, though, they’re kind trolls. In fact, most non-troll-identifying people do not identify ethical trolls as trolls, for the ethical trolls’ sympathies for people are deep. They sympathize for the opinionated, who are just as prone to self-doubt as they are.

And most ethical trolls do not identify non-troll-identifying people as non-trolls, for often peoples sympathies are indeed on the surface, but don’t get much deeper than that.

People have a historically bad reputation for separating themselves from the luck and greed passed down and around. For losing themselves, feeling muzzled and without meaning. Feeling chronically angry, unaroused and uninspired. For suffering from ambivalence, having a complex, being too nice right now and too vindictive later. Drawing into civility and domesticity. Getting caught up in inertia, intellectualism, and work. Fearing missing out. Hiding.

Because people, like ethical trolls, are in a Socratic paradox at all times — they just can’t admit it.

But don’t tell them that.

Unless you’re a troll.

Then by all means.