Dear Hillary: I Can Think of 25 People I’d Much Rather Have Dinner With Than You.

No, thank you.

Dear Hillary,

I despise advertising.

Yeah, I know it makes the world go round; it helps companies get the word out about their products and services. I’ve watched Mad Men. And Bewitched.

Advertising caters to our lowest primal urges, which include sex and greed. It’s brainwashing on the most intimate, painless level. I especially detest prescription drug advertisements of any kind. I’m not a doctor; I can’t buy Cialis or Crestor over the counter, so why pitch it to me? Next on the hit list is luxury automobile ads. Quelle surprise! The auto companies would have us believe that every Christmas, someone is gifted a Lexus with a red bow on the roof. (Must be a lot of those folks. Advertising isn’t cheap. I’ve yet to be surprised by a Lexus Christmas present. Ditto the rest of the folks in my neighborhood.)

I don’t normally pay attention to Internet ads, especially the noxious ones that line the side of my Facebook page. At least Twitter intersperses their advertising in your feed, where you can not notice in blissful ignorance. Besides, I’m too busy to allow glittery advertising to capture more than a nanosecond of my precious time. I’m also quite stubborn. If I want to buy something, I’ll research it on my own, thank you. I don’t need fast talking or glad hands for me to make an informed decision.

But the ad pictured above was lining the side of my Outlook inbox. Dear Hillary, you must have heard that I’m an independent who has voted on both sides of the aisle. I’m working and have tried to ignore this intrusive bit of information, but how can anyone in their right mind ignore a Hillary contest?

A contest. That’s what really galled me. It is ever clear to me that we are witnessing the end of Western Civilization. What next? The Presidential race a la American Idol? (I’d prefer watching the candidates trying to outwit a lion in the Coliseum, but that’s just me.)

I personally can think of at least 25 people I would rather have dinner with than you, Mrs. Clinton. (I’m fairly certain that you are a dinner guest of the talking points type. All bulldozer, no substance.) So if I enter and happen to win, can I make a choice from these more interesting people?

Here are a few, in no particular order:

  1. Bill’s current girlfriend. I’ll bet that would be a very juicy dinner. Better wear a bib.
  2. Bill’s current Secret Service agents. Again, juicy. Spicy, too, I imagine.
  3. Vladimir Putin. I would require him to dine shirtless. Because I really have to see those pecs for myself.
  4. Donald Trump. He’s a show all by himself. I would sit back and concentrate on my lobster while he entertains me.
  5. Alfred Brendel, the famous pianist. I’ve seen him play, and I wonder if he eats like he plays: stone faced, eyes closed, with little movement. (He’s a genius, by the way.) Plus, I’ve got to get dinner with Alfred before he dies.
  6. My best friend Edie’s son, and his wife, of course. I’m not going to put out who he is, because he’s an actor and I don’t want to breach our friendship. But this guy is so nice. He’d be an interesting dinner companion.
  7. Billy Joel. Love his work. All of it. Even the classical phase.
  8. Elvis Costello (while we are discussing outstanding popular artist/composers). He certainly has a way with words. “Chapter 1, we didn’t really get along. Chapter 2, I think I fell in love with you. Said you’d stand by me in the middle of Chapter 3, but you were up to your old tricks in Chapters 4, 5, and 6.” Priceless.
  9. Mary Lee Hu. Google her. She’s a talented wire artist, weaving some of the most breathtaking pieces I’ve ever seen. Oh, for an hour of her time.
  10. Michelle Richmond. Yes, the famous author. I met her last year at the San Francisco Writers Conference, but I would really love to pick her brain about her process.
  11. T. Greenwood. Another one of my favorite authors. I haven’t met her, but see #10 about the brain picking.
  12. Laura Kasischke. Same as #11. And she’s local, being a faculty member at the University of Michigan! In fact, to make my dinner extra special, I’d love to dine with 10, 11, and 12 at the same time. Now that would be a dinner to remember!
  13. Nancy Grace. I love her, and I always have. She’s in your face and unapologetic, and I like how she pursues justice for victims, especially if they are child victims.
  14. Broke Ass Stuart. He has a wicked sense of humor, he knows San Francisco (I would have voted for him as mayor, had I been a resident), and his tee shirts make me look young again.
  15. Mercer Mayer. The author of the Little Critters books. Honest to God, we probably have his entire library in my attic. My kids loved him. And he’s a Facebook friend.
  16. Dennis Miller. I’ve seen him perform (actually shook his germy hand backstage and got a photo with him) and used to listen to his show on the radio (before he changed times). I think he is freaking hilarious! plus his knowledge of the English language is extensive. And I really need a laugh.
  17. The Real Grumpy Cat. Actually eating dinner with The Cat would be fab! Can you say ‘selfie’?
  18. The Queen of England. Come on, now. Who wouldnt want to have dinner with her? She’s a living legend! Over two centuries!
  19. Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer. My dog is out of control. I think I could pick up some helpful hints during dinner with Cesar. Lord knows I (and our floors) need it.
  20. Jake from State Farm. I want so see if there’s anything beyond the khakis. Maybe he likes lobster?
  21. Monica Lewinsky. I came back to something Clinton-esque because it occurs to me she might make an interesting dinner companion. (I hope that it doesn’t hurt your feelings that both I and the Mister think she’s more interesting than you.) I’m certain that with time comes wisdom, and I’d be interested in her story.
  22. Sharyl Atkinson. I have to stick one investigative journalist with integrity on this list. Plus, I’d love to know how she felt when her laptop was being taken over by the government. Good stuff there.
  23. John Cusack. Because I think he’s so talented as an actor, and I really like him, even though I don’t agree with some of the things he tweets about. I’d love to delve into that mind more deeply, for sure.
  24. Gordon Ramsay. I’m a huge fan, as well as a gastronomic adventurer. Kitchen Nightmares is one of my favorite re-run shows. I’ll bet he has a ton of stories.
  25. Pope Francis. Even though I’m a fallen Catholic, I appreciate this particular Pontiff. He seems like a friendly, approachable guy who happens to be the head of the Catholic church. Very interesting, I’d suppose.

So there you have it, Mrs. Clinton. My top 25, in any order that you want. I hope you didn’t pay too much for that advertising.

Lobster please, and steak medium rare.

Yours irreverently,

ME


Joanne Huspek lives in the once-frozen tundra (now nearly able to grow citrus, thanks to global warming) of Southeastern Michigan with her husband Brad, Boston terrier, Millie, and the very bad orange tabby, Purrby. In addition to writing, she enjoys cooking and creating twisted wire jewelry, which means her housekeeping skills are practically non-existent.

Follow her HERE.