The Man Who Fooled Half The Country: What An Honest Interview With Donald Trump Would Be Like

Interviewer: Hi Donald, thank you for agreeing to this “honest interview”, the only rule is: tell the absolute truth, no BS

Trump: No problem, I’ll be a straight shooter

I: Great, let’s get started. Why do you think you won the presidency, and what did you do to deserve it?

T: It was a combination of things. I ran the best campaign — it’s true, you said to tell the truth and I’m telling you the truth. My son in law connected with some of the best tech companies in Silicon Valley and they really did a tremendous job, we knew how to win, who to target, and we executed flawlessly

I: Right, well that may be true, but you didn’t win only because you ran a good campaign, right?

T: Well since I really have to be honest this time, I’ll just tell you- I could have won this any time during the last 10 years. I knew the strategy then, except maybe this time I had an even weaker opponent than I realized

I: What, then, was the strategy?

T: Well, you can look it up. Over the years I have said it, multiple times. The republicans, rural America will believe anything you say, as long as its delivered in a way that resonates with them, their problems, and more importantly, as long as it imposes their views on the rest of the people that disagree with them. In other words make them right, give them a win. I don’t care what it is, if those conditions are met, they will eat it up. On top of that, I play up my wealth and success, while simultaneously being one of them, I was unstoppable. I’m one of them! And I made it big! And I’m gonna make sure I screw everybody out there who thinks is better than us. In essence, I’m their dream come true. I of course am the least politically correct person you know, let alone politician, which really means that I have no manners, no class, which of course they love. There was no contest, Hillary was never going to stop me. As I once said, I could walk down Fifth Ave, shoot someone in the head, and I wouldn’t loose any votes, or anything for that matter at this point. I am the law so I can do as I please and get away with it. And if you add the help I had from Russia, plus Comey, he really put a bow on it.

I: Whoa OK, back up- you say you are unstoppable, do you really believe that?

T: Well, of course! No one can defeat me, least of all now. Unless..

I: Unless?

T: Well, I created a category in and of itself: the likable asshole that gets away with murder. I mean look at me-I did not release my tax returns, there is credible intelligence that I might have connections to Russia, I have defrauded thousands of people, I have bankrupted multiple times, I haven’t paid a dime in Federal Taxes in 10 years because I cheated, I know nothing about foreign policy, or domestic for that matter, I am choosing my buddies — who also know nothing — as my cabinet members, so they can do me favors, I pretty much grab ANYONE by the pussy and get away with it. No one knows how to stop me because everyone acts like they have something to loose. They don’t fight dirty, they don’t make shit up, they don’t go all out. I will never be defeated in this day and age (that I created), by playing by the rules.

I: Unless?

T: Unless they stop playing by the rules. Fortunately, my enemies, particularly the democrats, will never do that because they have “morals”. But this isn’t about morals, this is about winning, and since they won’t do what’s necessary, they are screwed, just like everybody else in my way.

I: Can you walk me through a scenario where you think they would defeat you?

T: I can be honest but I’m not stupid. But I can tell you how it could happen. Let’s say I have conflicts of interest (which I clearly do), currently, people throw a fist and say they will do this and that, and you know what happens? NOTHING. No one does anything, no one even knows what to do besides throwing a fist. They’ll be throwing a lot of those. But let’s be honest, who’s gonna do anything? I’m THE PRESIDENT bitch! Nothing you can do. I control the law, so who is gonna go after me? I will decide who goes to the supreme court, so who’s gonna go after me? I also control probably the most important thing: perception. In answer to your first question, I think that’s what I did to deserve the presidency, I am a master marketer, master “perceptionist” if you will (its probably a word, look it up). It goes back to my earlier statement that I could shoot someone in the head- I would just deny it, I would say the video is fake, I would say the witnesses are lying- find some dirt on them, I would then blame the media, blame intelligence, create a new target, maybe blame Mexico or China in an effort to take me down, do something outrageous and the matter is gone. That easily. I can then go back to naming industries or specific companies to tank the stock while shorting it through my associates, like Icahn, or you know, my contacts. I can also keep making deals even though I said I wouldn’t because I can always change names and create LLC’s (which I will , trust me I know how to hide shady shit). And since I’m ultimately in charge, I’ll turn a blind eye on myself haha. People are so stupid. I mean look, I am leaving my businesses to my children, who I RAISED, what do you think they are going to do besides giving me a summary every day? They may even call me multiple times a day with updates, so I can put pressure on whoever is not budging, it works out very nicely.

I: OK I get it you will get away with murder, but didn’t finish telling me how someone can stop you.

T: I just told you! But I don’t think anyone can. If I really had to guess, I would say, again, only if they are not playing by the rules, if they get on my level of political incorrectness, if they control perception, get enough allies in positions of power, turn my people against me, stuff like that. Like in the movies. But I tell you, it ain’t happening. I run a tight ship. Only if they are relentless, highly intelligent, patient, with all the resources in the world, I mean they would have to make it their mission. And who has time for that? No one cares that much, therefore, I will not be defeated.

*This is a work of fiction meant to entertain, not a real interview, Donald Trump had no part in it*