Time to let go…..
I had breakfast with a young lady this morning. As we chatted over our food, we eventually got around to her upcoming nuptials. This was our very first outing so I was excited to learn about her life and have a great breakfast (good food and fellowship are my passion). So, we’re chatting about her wedding and it’s such an exciting time for a lady. While we’re talking her fiance calls. You should have seen her eyes light up! It was so glorious to see someone so in love. She only chatted a few minutes and ended the call. Her smile as wide as a half moon. In this day and age, it’s refreshing to see someone so in-love. So, being who I am and my passion also being relationships, I ask her about hers. In the course of her telling me about the journey to present, she mentioned that prior to meeting her fiance, she had taken a trip back to NY to visit family. While visiting she had brunch with her ex-boyfriend. They agreed to keep in touch after she returned to Phoenix. However, after arriving back to Phoenix and telling her cousin and a friend about the brunch, they ripped her a new one. Admonished her that in order to move forward, she had to totally release the past. Cut off all contact with the ex. She explained that she thought the seemingly harmless brunch with the ex was innocent, but she also knew the potential of having contact with him again could entail. How her heart would be tempted to become entangled again. As hard a decision this was, she made the choice and advised the ex that they would no longer be in any form of communication again. Oooh that’s good and grown right there. And she said it was a hard thing to do, but she knew she had to do it (her cousin and friend only confirmed what she knew). Not long after she cut all ties, she met her current who will be her husband. But that was AFTER the loose ends were tied up and soul ties (that emotional linkage between two people) broken. That bridge between you two burned once and for all so you can’t travel back over it when you’re having a weak moment. And it was a hard thing to do, especially when you have an intense history riddled with both joy and heartache(we tend to remember and cleave to the joy even when there’s been more heartache). You wonder if this is all there is, all that I am worthy of and if this person is really the one because we have so much time in and he or she knows me and my drama and is still hanging around.
It was affirming listening to her story. As it was my story and I am sure countless other people’s story. I had a ram (at times rams) in the bush. Exes on the back burner. A baritone on tap if I need an itch scratched. My brother would call it ‘checking my traps’. But they were there. We kept in contact and at times had more than contact. Shared intimacy…not sexual, but at times conversations or outings looked more like dates than just old friends hanging out. One in particular was a really good ram. Good stock :). Actually thought about bringing him up from the back burner onto the front lines. Why not? We’ve been on and off for years, we laughed a lot, he was very smart and extremely handsome. But, I forgot there was a reason a relationship didn’t work out between us. Because we don’t work together. If we were that good we would not be exes. So, why are we here? Why are you here? Why am I here making space for you in my heart when it’s for naught and not productive for either of us in the end? If we were meant to be, we would’ve been and we’re not. What are any of these rams actively doing in my life? In my current walk? And how do these rams take away from where I am moving to in my future? Can I really give my future 100% of my heart when I have pieces of it strewn about. Even small pieces strewn are unacceptable when entering new relationships. People are deserving of all you have to offer, not most. It’s almost like we treat parts of our hearts like a pre-nup. When relationships end we take back our piece of the heart as it was always mine to begin with and you never had it because it with so and so….just in case. I was keeping parts of my heart with them to keep a little life pumped into it in case I needed to go back to fully revive it. In 2015 I realized, as my friend had, that I needed to release the past once and for all. I had to wholeheartedly trust that there is a relationship for me, one that will completely satisfy my heart in a way that I won’t need a fall back, supplemental plan. That I won’t even desire one. A man that will enrapture my mind and spirit so much that it dissolves the past. But, for that to happen, there is a part I need to play. I need to ensure the past has no voice, no roots, no soul. At least none of my voice, roots or soul.
One thing I remember my breakfast buddy saying about her fiance is that she’s never known love on this level before…..ever. Not even with the ex. Just think had she allowed her past to stay in contact and possibly cloud her future judgement. Not her….and not me either. I breathe freely today. As Gloria Gaynor says in her song, I will Survie (I only reference it because it literally just played on this tv series I am watching :)), “i’ve got all my life to live and I have ALL my love to give”. Yes, I do, too.