The first few weeks without you…
It has been a few weeks since you left, but it feels like an eternity.
And you have barely talked to me since then. I understand that you need your time. I don’t want to intrude or seem pushy. I just miss my partner, my soulmate, my woman. Nothing is the same. Despite how little you have given me in terms of explanations, I do understand your need for space.
That said, let me reiterate that it’s weird not talking to you, my best friend. I miss your smile. I miss your passionate discussions on politics and the world around us. I miss those dimples that used to brighten my day. I miss the way we used to make love, time after time, almost defying the laws of nature. I miss your scent around the house. I miss you rewatching the same sci-fi episodes, no matter how many times you saw them before, or how silly they may seem. I miss your beautiful and svelte figure laying next to me in bed, only replaced by this terrible empty space. I miss the way you sometimes obsessed about the littlest of things. Did I leave your deep blue eyes out of the equation? I shouldn’t. They are gorgeous. Just everything about you is adorable, and I have lived used to it. And miss the way we loved and supported each other, because what we’ve had these years was very special and unique, and you know that. People told us so.
I am well aware that things have not been perfect recently. Too many family tragedies. Too much sorrow. Too much suffering and dealing with one awful and life-altering thing after another. I have often felt like I couldn’t figure out how to help you. As you said, people with depression not always know how to reach out. Nevertheless, I wanted you to reach out to me. No matter how exhausted, I have been here for you, and all you needed to do was to reach out to me. Ask me. Tell me what you need. Instead, you found solace in your cellphone, when I was just here, living and breathing next to you. I would have done anything for you. For you I fought very deep fears, and long haunting ghosts. And I would do it all over again, for you. I know you have your fears too. It’s normal to get cold feet. But don’t let that win.
Since you left I have had some very strange dreams. Some are hopeful and positive. Some are downright weird and incredibly personal. I will tell you one day. These days I wake up and I just want to hold you near me… but the bed is empty. It doesn’t feel right.
There has to be a solution for us. What we had was too precious and unique, and very promising of tomorrow. You believed it. Let’s fix whatever needs to be fixed, and you know that there is nothing that can’t be fixed. You and me would be invincible in our new city. I have no doubt about it.
Every now and then I think of that time, about a year or so ago, when you hugged me, looked me in the eyes, and very convincingly told me that you knew, you knew with all your heart that our life together in California was going to be so happy. The smile on your face when you said that lit up my soul. You were glowing as you talked about our beautiful future, and that you could see what a wonderful life together we would have in the West Coast. It melted my very being.
I would love to see that smile while you say those words to me again.
You know I would do anything for you.
You are the love of my life, baby.