I Don’t Love Video Games Anymore

Why Are We Not Playing Video Games Like We Used To?

I’ve fallen out of love with video games.

When I come home from work, I don’t turn on my PS4. I pull out my phone or laptop, and watch some YouTube videos. I’ll play some quick rounds of Overwatch if my friends are up for a game, but for the most part, my PS4 sits in standby mode. It updates games that I have no intention of playing.

Now hang on, I hear you say, what do you mean you don’t love video games anymore? Aren’t you making a YouTube/TV show about video games right now? Didn’t you start a freaking charity event around gaming?

The whole point of The Critical Hit is to talk about video games! Why are you doing all this work for something you don’t like?

To answer this question, we have to go back. Way back.

Back In The Day

My childhood consisted of two things: Video games and watching Much Music. I listened to Sum 41, played Chrono Trigger obsessively and rode my bike around my home town. My parents would always say “stop playing games and go experience the world!”

“The world” to me was West St. Paul, a sleepy bedroom community where the average day consists of working a dull 9–5, complaining about traffic on the way home, then settling in for another episode of The Young and the Restless. My parents watched that show religiously, I think it first premiered in the 1980s or something. That show has been on the air longer than I’ve been alive.

Trying to have fun in this town was like sucking on a thorn for moisture in the desert: Your hard work and creativity are only met with constant disappointment, but you can’t really go anywhere else, so hey, better find another thorn, right? If you didn’t like playing hockey or football, then you were out of luck, buddy. Hope you like staring at a TV for most of your life.

A picture of my hometown, dog sold separately

On top of that, my family and I never got along. Okay, that’s putting it a little too mildly. Anybody who’s known me for at least a year, will hear me complain about my family a dozen times. There were a lot of reasons, but it essentially came down to this: They were all super conservative, while I was very liberal.

They loved hockey, the wide open countryside, and living a good christian life without sin. I liked martial arts, the big city and being a weird heathen who loved Satan and chicken fingers. Not necessarily in that order.

I made friends where I could, but for the most part, I was an outcast. And unless I bummed a ride from my folks, I couldn’t go to the city, or really any place where I might find more eccentric nerds like me.

I felt alone, shunned. I didn’t fit in with most of my family …That’s when I fell in love with Video Games.

This isn’t even getting into my various mental health issues. Most teachers and psychologists thought I had ADHD I was ostracized for it. By the time they figured out I was misdiagnosed, I had traded in ADHD for depression, anxiety and a nice spot on the autism spectrum.

I’m being a little facetious here, but I just want you to get an idea of how I felt. I felt alone, shunned. I didn’t fit in with most of my family. My friends were all weird outcasts like myself. My mental state was starting to crumble. I wanted a way out.

I remember spending days, pretending to be home sick from school, just because I couldn’t handle any of it. I’d pray, hoping that god would either fix me or end my life.

That’s when I first fell in love with video games.

My cousin Tyson introduced me to the N64, and I was hooked. There was a way that I could escape from my bedroom community, my bullies, my asshole dad, and all I had to do was plug this little box into my TV and turn it on? Why didn’t I know about this revolutionary piece of technology?

I fell in love, and I fell hard.

Watching things burn was another favorite pastime around my neighborhood

I don’t mean that I just played video games well past my bed time; I think every gamer worth their salt has a story about obsessively exploring Hyrule till 3 in the morning and passing out till 1 pm. No, I mean that video games literally became my entire life.

I spent every penny I had on new games, controllers, etc. It was the only thing I would talk about with my family. Every Christmas I asked for a new game. I forced all of my friends to take part in my obsession. I turned my friend and fellow CH member Tony into a Zelda fanboy.

I lived and breathed video games.

I’ve won and lost countless matches of Starcraft. I’ve lost thousands of dollars on the Simpsons arcade game. I’ve conquered Shadow Moses, I’ve saved the princess, I’ve defeated the demon lord Diablo. I’m the hero for a thousand different worlds, in a thousand different legends.

I loved every moment of it.

But now, I can’t remember the last time I’ve beaten a game.

Being an Adult Sucks

From 2015 till now, I can name maybe four or five games that made a serious impact on me.

In 2016, when I started writing my Game Of The Year list, I realized that my top 5 games weren’t really award worthy. They were just the 5 games that I sort of liked.

I’m the hero for a thousand different worlds, in a thousand different legends.

This year, out of everything that’s been released so far, I’ve bought two games: Yakuza Zero and Horizon: Zero Dawn. And I’ve completed neither of them.

Both of these games are great, and I love them, but I just have no will to play anything. I’m just past the halfway point of Yakuza Zero, and I got past the starting area in Horizon before I just forgot about it.

Recently, one of my favorite games journalists, Laura Kate Dale, was talking about how she couldn’t keep up with all of the games released in 2017. Her full time job is to play games and write about them. Jim Sterling said something similar; His schedule for playing and reviewing games is so tight, he just doesn’t have the time to play through games like Ghost Recon: Wildlands, among others.

If these people, who’s entire job is to keep up with the gaming industry, can’t play every major game released in 2017, what hope does the average consumer have? What hope do I have?

I have a full time job now. I have bills to pay. I’ve got a social life. I’m working on a TV show and a charity event. Time is my most precious resource. I haven’t bought Mass Effect: Andromeda or Resident Evil 7 because I know that I’ll never get around to beating them.

I made a joke about this on Facebook and Twitter, where I keep buying awesome new games that I just never finish. Turns out, quite a few Critical Hit members are in the same position.

As far as I know, Nolan plays 3 games: World of Warcraft, Heroes of the Storm, and COD Zombies. He plays them for maybe an hour before he goes out to attend a wedding, or take on a freelance video job. Kieran buys almost every new release, plays them obsessively for a few days, and then leaves them behind, I’m not sure if he even beats half the games he purchases.

I haven’t bought any new games because … I’ll never get around to beating them.

Evan has straight up told me that he hasn’t played any new video games for a few months now. Albertine actually works in the games industry, and while she still plays games like Watch Dogs 2, she’s got the same problem I have: Albertine keeps buying games that she’ll never finish.

All of us are gamers. But we don’t really play games like we used to.

I look back on the old days, the days where I played Chrono Trigger for days on end, with fondness. But I also realize that I never want to go back. I don’t want to spend an entire week stuck in my room, lost in a fantasy world. At least, not anymore.

Trust Me, The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

There are so many events that have changed my life. There just isn’t a space for me to talk about those events on The Critical Hit.

I can’t talk about how I’m about to move out of my family home for the fifth (and hopefully final) time. I can’t gush over how The Expanse is the best thing on TV right now. Nobody will hear about how I sometimes go to a bar, just sit at the back, and listen to the live bands. Fans of the Critical Hit might never hear about how I’ve started writing a novel, or how I’ve been messing around with creating music, or how I’m getting back into mixed martial arts.

For the first time in I don’t know how long, I actually feel good about my future. Yes, I still have problems, and I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and autism, but I can now take a look at the bigger picture and say “you know, things are actually alright.”

I used video games to escape from all of my problems because I didn’t know how to solve them. I tried to kill myself twice, so I dropped out of school and I threw myself into Dragon Age. I hated my family, so I found a new one in the various friends and clan mates I met through video games. I hated school, so I sunk countless hours into Skyrim and The Witcher series.

Video games have helped me greatly, and without that hobby, I probably wouldn’t be alive, writing this article today.

But I’ve also realized that centering your whole life around a single hobby isn’t good for you.

That time I spent expanding my horizons, in trying new things, has made me more creative. It’s given me some new friends, a new appreciation for art, and a better understanding of game design.

Video Games can be great. But they are also very self-serving, and the massive budgets required for any game stifle creativity. Sure, there are plenty of cool homemade games that try to push the medium to new heights, but almost every big game takes inspiration from an idea that already exists.

My other endeavors enrich me, where as gaming is a comfortable past time.

Analyzing storytelling techniques in films has improved my cinematography skills. Hanging out with friends for drinks has helped me improve my social capabilities. Listening to indie music inspires me to be creative, and pushes me to create bigger and better things.

Centering your whole life around a single hobby isn’t good for you.

Not to say that gaming can’t stir something in my soul, there are still experiences out there that change the way I think about the world. It’s just that I’ve spent my entire life enveloped in games and gaming culture, and I feel like there’s nothing left for video games to teach me.

I’ve grown up. And gaming, in some ways, hasn’t grown up with me.

And that’s okay

I still like video games. I’ll still bring my huge PC rig to my cousin’s LAN parties. I’ll still jump on and play some Overwatch with my friends.

But gaming is no longer a crutch. It’s no longer my sole reason for existing. Now, it’s just another hobby of mine.

I’ve made room in my life to experience new things. And those experiences will make me a better person, and in turn, a better games journalist.

So you’ll still see me talk and write about video games. But gaming isn’t the only thing in my life anymore. It never should have been the only thing in my life. I’m sure there are others who are feeling the same way. I’m here to tell you: It’s okay to not love gaming anymore.

It just means that everything else in your life can get the love it deserves.

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All photos were created by Justin Luschinski.