Internet Disables Comments Section in Surprise Move

In a move earlier this evening, the company that runs the global communication network that connects most computers around the world — a product known as “internet” — decided to put a blanket ban on all comments sections on all websites everywhere, admitting in a statement that “Comments sections are where intelligence and respect go to die.”

The company, Internet, Inc. — or just “Internet,” for short — said the move came at a time when comments sections were becoming particularly horrid, in large part due to inflammatory remarks made by multiple candidates in the current Presidential election campaign.

Prior to the removal of comments sections on their own website, Internet faced a strong backlash calling them ignorant, fascists, socialists, bleeding-heart liberals feeding the Democratic lie, right-wing nutjobs intent on destroying what makes America so American, as well as a slew of other insults from all races, genders, and levels of intelligence. Some are highlighted at the end of this article, though we feel we must warn you, some of them are NSFW.

Some commenters seemed to be confused about the difference between fact and fiction — one angry commenter told Internet they should “go back to Sokovia with that Soviet [expletive],” seeming to reference the made up country that appeared in The Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Many commenters felt the need to come out of an apparent online dormancy, with many starting their comments with expressions such as “I don’t usually post online,” “I’m not one to get political on the internet,” or “I’m not going to make my online presence hyper-political going forward, but…”

It’s unclear how sites like Reddit and Facebook will fair without comments sections, though neither mega-site responded to this reporter’s inquiries. To read more samples of sites that rely heavily on comments sections, click here.

Comments Section Highlights:

“Comments are free speach, you ignorint [expletive]s.”

“You racist, money-grubbing [expletive]s over at Internet are trying to take away our rights. Go back to Sokovia with that [expletive].”

“I completely agree with your decision to remove the comments from the internet. As a first year pre-med student, I must say I find it abhorrent that so many racist, uneducated people feel the need to express their opinions over a medium like the web. Thank you, Internet!”

“The comments section is what you get when Bane and Nicholas Cage’s acting ability have a child out of wedlock.”

“I love the comments section! Can’t believe you’re doing this!”

“Ironic that we’re leaving comments on an article banning the comments section.”
 “Ironic that we’re commenting on comments in said article.”
 “It’s like rain on your wedding day.”
 “It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid.”
 “No comment thread would be complete without an Alanis Morissette reference.”
 “Kind of like that scene in the Matrix, amiright?”

“Lol ur all so dum”

“I’ve been saying it for years, this is all thanks to that Socialist in the White House who probably wasn’t even born hear!”

“Does no one see how meta this is???”
 “There is no spoon.”
 “Oh my god, I finally understand that line now.”
 “What line?”
 “I don’t know who spoke that line. Whose line is it, anyway?”
 “[100 emoji]”
 “And now over to Wayne Brady and Colin Farrel for some ‘scenes from a hat!’”
 “Colin Farrell*”
 “I think you mean Colin Mochrie”
 “Over to Colin Firth and Ryan Lochte for Props!”
 “Does anyone else kind of want to see that happen?”
 “Now let’s hear it for Laura Croft on the piano”
 “Hi, I’m Drew Barrymore — welcome back to Whose Line!”
 “Where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter”
 “Oh man. I’m going to miss comments.”

“wa]nt 1000+ followers on insta gram! Click here! Click here! Clikc here!!!!!!”