Kind Old Woman Spits in the Face of Laziness and Communism

Late Wednesday afternoon, Hillside resident Natalie Jefferson was faced with a moral dilemma.

Once a day when she gets out of work, Ms. Jefferson goes for a walk along the local pathway atop Windy Pike. This Pike is a protected park, overlooking the gorgeous Bottleneck Bay. It is a haven for wildlife and those who wish to escape city life for a while. On Wednesday for Ms. Jefferson, it transformed from this walker’s dream into a living nightmare.

At 4:00pm every day, Ms. Jefferson punches out of her job at the post office. She drops her lunch bag off at her home two blocks away and proceeds to the pathway on the Pike — called “the cliffwalk” by locals. She generally makes the two-mile long trek with a bag of birdseed in her purse, resting at the end to feed the birds before beginning the walk back. By this time the path is usually deserted and, as she says, “It’s just you and the birds and the wind and the water. It’s beautiful.”

On Wednesday, however, Ms. Jefferson’s daily routine was broken by the piercing yell of a man in trouble. Ms. Jefferson had already fed the birds and was walking back, enjoying the feeling of quiet, reassuring solitude when the shouts reached her. She rushed to the edge of the Pike and looked down, where she saw a man balanced precariously on a dangerously narrow rock ledge.

When the man saw her looking down at him, according to her report, he was “absolutely relieved. He yelled up to me that he had fallen and couldn’t get a good enough hold to pull himself back up. His legs were getting tired and he said he did not know how long he could last.”

This situation was all too familiar to Ms. Jefferson. The exact same thing had happened to her two years before. After an hour of standing there, helpless on the ledge, she finally managed to find the energy to hoist herself back up to the top of the cliff.

Ms. Jefferson told reporters that she “saw no reason to help this man” having been able to save herself all those years ago. “If I could do it, so can he. Why should I expend my energy and resources to help this guy who was clearly too lazy to help himself?” Such were her thoughts when she inched back away from the edge, stood up, brushed herself off, and continued on her way. “There I was, just minding my own business, when that man had the gall to ask me for a handout. Honestly. Some people are just so conceited.” She said she hardly had a second thought about it. When our reporters questioned her about this “moral dilemma” she faced, she laughed a bit and said “Oh, please. It was hardly a difficult decision. Anyone would have done the same.”

Upon telling her neighbors of her encounter, they were utterly shocked.

“I’d be embarrassed, if it were me,” said Mr. Petersen, another Hillside resident. “What kind of a man asks a little old woman for help? It’s disgraceful. People need to get off their backs and start doing things for themselves.” This growing problem of people asking for help can be seen everywhere in America today, with people left and right asking for handouts, bailouts, and even healthcare. As with everything wrong in the world today, it can be traced back to the White House. President Obama is known to be an advocate for universal healthcare, and many believe this notion may have had some effect on the stranded man.

Ms. Jefferson in her final comments showed that, if presented with the opportunity, she would not have done anything differently. “Why should I give up my benefits and risk my well-being to help this man I don’t even know in a situation he should get through himself? This is America people. Anyone can work their way up if they’re willing enough. Anything is possible with the right mindset. It’s just pure laziness and I for one won’t stand for it.”

The man has not been seen since, and locals are calling Ms. Jefferson a “champion of the people”, being able to stand firm in what she believes in, even in the face of such hardship. Her neighbors have been noted saying, “I wish some politicians had the courage she had. She didn’t waver for a second. She stuck by her principles to the very end. Talk about admirable.”

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