idk if anyone will ever read this or even see it.
first of all, don’t be alarmed! this isn’t a sue aside letter or anything but however comma , i do wanna dye. some people want to live long and prosperous lives but i just wanna live a short one.
in 2019, i got really sick from basically a freak accident that wasn’t so “accidental”.. surprisingly enough, it wasn’t my fault either. anyways to make a long story short, it completely changed my life and i was holding on by a thread for a long time. but i had my mom (and jesus) to take care of me as she always has. we live in the house we were both basically born and raised in. anyways, i couldn’t walk or eat much at all for most of the second half of 2019 and through to 2020 plus i was losing weight like crazy. i cut off everyone i knew (including relatives) mostly because i was too sick to speak but also due to severe anxiety. fast forward to now, basically my 5th year of dealing with this condition or whatever you wanna call it, and i still don’t talk to any of those people. and i honestly kinda don’t want to. perhaps more on that later….
so why do i wanna make my new permanent residence heaven immediately? um. i suppose it’s a bit on the complicated side why. i actually have been wanting to dye since like 2013 but that’s another story. ironically enough, when i got sick in 2019, i didn’t wanna dye anymore for some reason. but then in 2022, i started wanting to dye again because of something that happened but that all changed on april 3rd, 2022 after i watched the grammys!
to make yet another long story short, i somehow felt a deep connection with someone i saw on the grammys. not gonna name any names, but he just so happened to be the host of his own tv show which, believe it or not, i had little to no idea of that show’s existence until after i watched the grammys. i barely even knew his name or anything about him being a celebrity. i only knew him as “ohh! the cute one who hosted the 2021 grammys.” anyways, not gonna get into to much detail, but after the grammys, i learned as much about him as i could through lots of videos etc (obviously because i couldn’t personally ask him anything) on account of he was a stranger i discovered through an award show. the new season of his show premiered on april 11th, 2022 and my heart rate was literally up when i first saw him walk out. i had to keep myself from weeping because my mom was sitting across the kitchen table from me watching the premiere as well. so other than some laughs, i concentrated on showing no emotion during the show. ohh also, i was already in love with him after 10 days of knowing about him.
new paragraph cuz that last one was getting long. there’s a 3rd party that’s important to this story but i don’t really wanna talk about him much at all. let’s just say perhaps i’ll mention him more in a moment.. well i will say that since i don’t talk to anyone else anymore, this 3rd person is the only one who knows EVERYTHING about my situation involving him. you’re probably quite confused now. wait! no one is reading this. *slaps knee* anyways, so that show that he hosts became my favorite show EVER next to once upon a time. i love every single person that has to do with that show, especially him. here’s another fun fact, i read his book in i think 2 days and well i listened to it technically but it’s the best book ever. i probably never need to read another book. i also i hate reading though. haha. i could really sit here and say a TON ton about why i love him and what i think about everything he’s done/does and his character but i won’t. just know that i love him more than almost anyone i’ve ever loved in my life… i can’t believe i’m talking about this right now..
so um, i guess i’ll mention that 3rd party now. let’s just say we talked everyday. for my birthday, he gave me an apple gift card that i used to pay for the special streaming service that has his show on there. that was the best. birthday. ever. okay, here’s where things go completely south. i must preface this by saying i wanted to dye until april 3rd, 2022 when i discovered him and fell in love with him etc. life became worth living until september 29th, 2022..
so i was watching my fav show ever as i usually did on certain week nights, and my mom ironically happened to be watching again as well on this one peculiar night; thursday, september 29th, 2022.. this episode started off a bit strange. he like paused for a second and was using odd language that made my heart rate go up.. i inconspicuously put my hand over my heart so as not to draw any sudden attention to myself.. it was almost as if i knew what he was about to say. and when he said those words.. i no longer tried to hold it together. i started to weep. he said.. i barely can even write this.. he said his show was ending after 7 years of being on..
remember, i had only been watching/known of his show since april 2022. after he said that, i was no longer happy. my mom tried to cheer me up with some funny story that i don’t recall if i laughed at or not. later at around midnight i think, i tried texting that 3rd party person but he was conveniently unavailable.. no reply..
but later he ended up facetiming me and doing something COMPLETELY out of the blue to try and distract me from crying. i laughed a bit loud and like kinda threw my phone on the table. it worked. by the way, he asked me what happened but i couldn’t talk about it so i didn’t tell him several days.. also let’s just say, october 2022 up until like right this second have been the most INSANE 5 months of my whole life!!
i cried so much during that first week of october like omg.. everything was changing so much. i just wished i could drop everything, and take a one way trip to heaven. i hate to mention this next thing but nothing will make sense if i leave this piece of information out. on halloween, i realized i was now in love with the 3rd party person as well. never in 100 million years did i see that coming. anyways, i was just excessively sad everyday. i hid my sadness from my mom ofcourse. i didn’t want to worry her as i have already been a huge burden to her life for almost 5 years now since she has to take care of me and do everything for me while i’m still recovering from this little illness/condition thing. also, i’m not suffering even in the slightest bit. i have a very rich and extremely fortunate life. spoiled even! i just so happened to also have a very sad life. but i do have jesus, my bff. he’s the only reason why i haven’t dyed not by mistake yet. plus i know sue aside would mess up my mom’s life and also a few others’ lives forever. don’t want to do that!
during october or november, i also found out the exact date that the love of my life’s show aka my fav show ever was going to end; december 8th, 2022. i had hoped i would go to heaven before that day. alas! i did not. but in the interim, every night and day, i waited for the 3rd party person to facetime me. he did everyday.. until he didn’t………… currently waiting for the day he talks to me again. it’s been 3 days. that’s quite abnormal behavior but also kinda normal for how things are now.
part III. now. i’ve been sick within my “sick” for 2 weeks now. by that i mean, while i’m recovering from this little condition, i’ve now developed quite a cold. i’ve reverted back to not eating much and also staying in the bed for most of the day because i don’t have much energy to go downstairs. i’m downstairs right now but i’m starting to feel a bit weak-ish. whatever. it’s fine. i actually kinda want it to turn into something worse but that’s so awful to say… 2 weeks ago on the day before i got this virus (not that one btw), my mom found out that i feel like i’m useless to everyone’s life. i won’t get into how she found out though. speaking of that, i have felt like i’m also especially useless to the 3rd party person’s life and he’s proved that whether he knows it or not. i wish i didn’t have to think about him every other second of the day and wonder if he’s gonna say ANYTHING to me. for a second there, back in october, he was kinda my hero, now the thought of him makes me sadder and sadder……….. on top of that, that special streaming service has removed most of the episodes of the main love of life’s show! all of this stuff piling up is almost unbearable. i’m numb.. but. with all that being said, jesus, thanks so much for loving me and being my bff. not sure why you stick with me even though i’m such a horrible person who doesn’t even want to be uhh live? after writing all this, ofcourse i still want to move to heaven but right now, also fudging ofcourse, i wish i could see him and also the 3rd party..
my phone had no battery left but i literally only charged it in case i receive a notification or 2 from the 3rd party person…
