Fatherhood Is Where I Finally Found Felicity
I can’t believe I almost need two hands to count the number of years I’ve had a daughter. Its so cliche to say but it does seem like only yesterday my little Emelia was coming into the world (like she has done everything her whole life) head first, with lots of noise and chaos, surrounded by people who love her. These last four years and change have been the greatest in my twenty-seven years on this Earth. Thats not to say they haven’t been tough, mainly of my own doing, but still tough. Being a father is the greatest role a man can play in this stageplay called life. To see another human being experiencing things for the first time. Seeing her learn and grow and discover the world around her. Pure magic.

If any father tells you he wasn’t nervous to become one, he is a bold-faced liar. If you have any shred of worth in your body and you have made the decision to be a stand-up dude who handles his business, that moment your child comes into the world will rock you to your core.
Jasmine had to have labor induced because the placenta was nearly dried out and Emelia was running out of nutrients. The whole birth went from ‘We’re waiting, and waiting, and waiting…’ to ‘Boom, the baby is coming!’. I remember Jasmine pushed once, then twice, then *pop*, out came my baby. But there was no sound. No crying, no screaming, no nothing. I don’t think I took a breath for the next ten seconds. Then the ol’ faithful spank on the butt. Another one, two seconds went by. The little purple creature I helped create started to make noise. They wiped off the gunk from her little itty bitty body. I could barely see my kiddo in between this white coat and that pair of scrubs. Next, a nurse lowered her face mask, handed me a pair of forceps and scissors and said, “Mr. Cooler, its time to cut the chord, you’re up.” My hand was shaking so bad I could barely get my big sausage fingers in the scissors. After all the bloody business they swaddled her in a blanket and handed her to me. This moment seemed to happen in slow motion. I don’t know what it was but the exchange between myself and the nurse handing me my kid was electric.
From that moment on I was hooked. There was never a question in my mind I wouldn’t be there for her. Come hell or high water, a team of wild horses couldn’t tear us apart. The first few weeks after you have a kid are all a blur. I couldn’t tell you a thing from those days they are all mushed together like a box of Play-Doh a couple of days after your little one opens it. I do remember her opening her eyes for the first time. Her grabbing my finger for the first time, that little grip being so intense luckily I was sitting down, or I would have been floored.
Getting her home was a triumph in itself. Traffic, especially Albuquerque traffic, seemed just that much more wacked out. Laying her on our bed, though it was only a Queen-size, it made our little princess look more like the pea. I miss those days when she couldn’t really move. Now she runs and jumps on everything she can. I have a future gymnast on my hands I think.
Her learning to crawl then stand then walk. What a heart-melting moment. The joy of accomplishment in her eyes. If she could have talked I feel like she would have shouted at me, “Daddy! I’m moving! I don’t understand how but I’m moving now Daddy. Look at me go!”
One of my most cherished moments was when we moved her up from bottle feeding to real pureed baby foods. A little dollup of green on her little pink princess spoon. I even think I did the typical, “Here comes the choo-choo!” thing. Crazy thing is, her instincts told her to open her mouth and to chew and to swallow. Incredible how that is built into us as living things right?. The look in her eyes, that little sparkle. She even began to bounce up and down in her high-chair a bit. A whole new world had been opened up to my child. The world of taste and texture and flavor. I was a proud papa in that moment.
Or the first time I took her out to experience the snow for the first time. We bundled her up in a puffy pink snow suit. I remember putting her down on her back in the snow and her getting upset as the snowflakes hit her in the face. I don’t know if it was the temperature of the flakes or the moisture of them or what. I got to experience another human experiencing winter for the first time. As I’ve said before that is, and always will be, my greatest joy as a father. Those little firsts.

To this day, raising this little gift I was given is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Its what motivates me to swallow umpteen pills everyday. The excitement of teaching her things and hearing what she has learned in school that day. Fatherhood is hard, I never expected it to be easy, but I consider it the greatest thing I have done with my life. To those people, men and women, who can create a life and then abandon it, you sicken me. I can’t be away from my kiddos for more than a few days before I start aching in my heart to know what they are up to. I love cooking with my kids, cleaning with them, bathing them, listening to music with them, hearing their crazy stories or answering their bazillion questions in a day. This is the meaning of life.
People always ask what is the meaning of life? I believe firmly that it is to have children. Sometimes you have been a real go-getter and prepared for it but other times life hits you with parenthood whether you are ready or not. I know I wasn’t ready but the birth of my daughter truly saved me. She made me grow up real quick and see what my real priorities are.
So what is felicity? Its the state of being happy. Bliss. Thats what being a father has given me. Bliss. After you comb through the exhaustion and the needless frustration I feel bliss. Those little moments where I get to be a part of her firsts. I’ll never forget them and I’ll always be grateful for them.
Thank you Emelia. Daddy will always be here for you and Daddy will never stop teaching you.

