My story

So, today I read a piece, written by a friend who had, has, is suffering from depression. This bright soul whom I never ever thought in a million years suffered, put down in words, some time ago it turns out, what it was for her to suffer.

I was, needless to say, impressed.

It made me think again about the state we call ‘depression’. What it means to me and others and how it makes me feel every day.

Alone.

I have, on reflection been ‘sad’ for most of my adult life, not particularly confident, quiet and introverted.

However, the real problem started 4 or 5 years ago.

A problem at work became an issue, became something else. The result was what can only be described as a break down, the whole sitting on the floor rocking back and forth, not functioning, not talking, afraid to go out kind of thing. It completely destroyed my life.

I was a mess, I tried counselling, CBT, and finally medication, I threw myself into physical training, kept myself busy and tried to hide from the gnawing anxiety that still creeps up on me daily.

I left my job, found another, didn’t work out, found another. I believe that my sate of mind had a bearing on my relationship of 12 years, she left. (we are now friends)

My dreams, destroyed, my life ambition of growing old, sitting on a park bench at 80, hand in hand with the girl of my dreams, gone.

5 years later, I still struggle each day with self doubt, loneliness, depression, anxiety that comes in waves, some ripples that just lap at the shore, some that threaten to wash over me, totally engulf me.

And soon I’ll be back on medication and that sucks, after weening myself off earlier in the year, the struggle got more real and it seems I’m not as ready as I thought.

But I’m not alone, if there are people like my friend, who also suffer and yet function as normal, confident, happy individuals, then so can I, right?

I’m going to keep struggling, but I’m also going to keep fighting, I’m going to be lonely, but not necessarily alone. I will be sat watching trashy movies eating pop corn on a Saturday night, and until that’s not OK that will be OK.

#peace