Telemarketing Lessons — An attempt at satire

So I just spent half an hour on the phone talking to various representatives of an online foreign currency trading platform, which shall remain unnamed because I’m nice like that. Without further ado, I present you:

Tips to run a better telemarketing campaign

  • Make a list of who knows what, about which subjects and how well. This way if a potential client asks to be transferred to the legal department, you can actually transfer them to someone who knows something about laws.
  • Know the role you are playing, and play it well. Keep in mind that reaffirming the title of the role you’re playing, “Manager” for example, more than a couple times will likely cause doubt.
  • If the potential client seems to know more about what you’re talking about than you do — this requires honest introspection — transfer them to someone who might know more.

The Story
Their tactics ranged from telling me how much their “average” clients make on a monthly basis, to throwing around buzzwords such as: “Black Box used in Wall Street,” “Mathematical Models” and “Technical Trading”; to even lowering the minimum buy in price to 40% of the original — for a limited time offer, with a free trial etc.

Also, they transferred me between several people, apparently reminding themselves what roles they were supposed to be playing by repeating lines such as “…you are talking to me as a manager…” as if I were the manager.

It took several tries to get certain questions answered regarding fees and such, but the most amusing part of the conversation occurred when I was supposedly transferred to the tech department to talk to someone who sounded only slightly older than a teenager and yet claimed to be the “Technical Manager” and also “studying law” in response to my questions about their terms of service.

Apparently— according to our law-studying technical manager — one becomes a dual citizen by default after having lived in a country for five years. (Not.) This is when we decided the conversation just wasn’t working.

Firstly, if you’re going to use talk of laws to convince someone to do something, make sure you actually know the laws.

Though these people apparently didn’t know this, the reason their company doesn’t service people with a U.S. citizenship (re: my question about their terms of service) is because they would then have to be subject to oversight from the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).

This article is written in jest and to share my amusement.

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