Who was I ?

When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see the color of your skin? or do you see the color of your eyes? or do you see how big your lips are or how big your nose is? I don’t know why asked this question. It’s obvious you see your sexuality and see gay or you see bisexual or maybe you see yourself as Jake besides Jody or Jody besides Jake; but how could that be. Why would I see myself as something that is not visible? The judgement of others becomes your mirror. When they see that boy in those girls clothes, they bring the expression of disgust upon their faces or they see that lesbian/gay couple holding hands and they get the look of laughter that makes the vibe of that environment uncomfortable.

What about those names? Faggot, tranny, dike, homo; what about those names that hurt the ones you may love or the one’s that fight for your country? Didn’t think about that one, huh? Yes, there are gay men and women fighting for our country everyday because those that call them faggot or dike are just to afraid to come from of their lazy ass couches to actually do something about it, but the group of men you bash everyday are fighting for you.

What about that lonely kid that has no one? That kid that was abandoned by his mom and dad because he expressed feelings for Howard and not Hannah? That kid is dead. That kid is somewhere right now getting a chair and some rope and hanging themselves from a pipe or a bathroom rod and saying goodbye to the life they were abandoned from and the people they once called “family”. They are alone and scared and are already enemy #1 by many because of their sexuality, why do they have to be that in the eyes of their family? Why can’t they come to you and say that they are this or that and you be accepting. That denial hurts; to the core of a kid who is already confused and emotionally damaged.

How do I know this? Because maybe I was that kid; I slit my wrist when I was depressed and I had several suicidal thoughts because that what I thought was my way out because I felt alone and scared. I was a bisexual kid being open and honest with my friends and them coming and just talking about God and hell, like “Why?” I don’t want to hear this. I want to hear that you are going to love me and be there for me. Seeing my sexuality through the face of my brother was something I will never forget. I felt like I was the most disgusting person and big brother through his eyes. I felt so low and like scum that whole weekend with my family because I they were judging me without saying a word, but through their facial expressions and looks towards me, but it at that moment I learned I couldn’t please everyone and decided to just be me because is who I was

So, who am I? My name is James Bishop and I like music, technology, owls, Drake, creativity, people. I like these things because they make up who I am and not what people think of me. I am not a faggot or a homo, but I am a person who likes people that peek my interest.

Where am I right now? I like a girl that makes me feel like if I was only with her the rest of the year, I wouldn’t care. That’s my vibes of her. I’m not perfect and she’s not perfect, but being with her makes everything around me perfect. I think she’s special in so many ways than one, but I’ve told her this and I have made her aware of what I think she’s worth to me. The hurt I see when I talk to her about this stuff shows me that I can’t just say it,but I have to make sure I show it to her. I can say, “I’m not your ex” and then become her ex. I have to show her every step of the way. She doesn’t know that when I talk to her or just texting her, I smile. She’s a light in a lot of darkness I was in. She’s scared about ruining this, but I’m scared myself. I just don’t tell her this because why should two people be scared going into something. I have to be strong so she knows I am always going to be there when she is afraid because at the end of the day, my feelings for he only grow that much stronger.

What do I want people to get out of this? I want people to get that I am was in the same boat they are in or currently in. I was that scared kid that had to tell his family about the person he couldn’t be. I know it’s hard having to live a lie everyday because you feel you won’t be accepted. That is the test for your family and not you: Will they accept you or will they deny you? That will show you if they have genuine love for you or their “love” is just a figment of their imagination. Just know that you have a friend in me and anybody that feels they don’t have a claim in this world. I know it can be scary, but live your truth and live it with those you care about and not those who judge you. You will not go to hell! You do not need to change because your family says God hates you, you be you and do it with a fucking smile on your face and a middle finger to those who have a problem with you on your sleeve.


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