You Belong With Me, Not Swallowed in the Sea
That’s me on the left there. Yeah. The less attractive one. This was the day I had to say goodbye to the love of my life (Tommie) for two months. Yeah, I know, two months, big deal; however, two months with next to no communication after falling madly in love with this guy? That was something that was going to prove inconceivably difficult.
Hi. My name is Jake and I’m a 22-year-old gay guy currently engaged to the most wonderful man in the world.
But if you would have told me two months ago that this is where I would be now I wouldn’t have believed you. If you told me this is where I was going to be six months ago I wouldn’t have believed you.
Six months ago I was single and trucking along. Fairly fresh out of an overly long overly destructive relationship, I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for. I had a profile on Tinder and knew I wanted someone to ask me out. After many many guys just looking to hook up I was losing hope but kept on swiping. Eventually I matched with this guy.
Now this is a picture I took of him that I love so this isn’t before me, this is during me. There was some immediate connection there I think. I was excited to be messaged by who I think to be the most attractive man in the world and he seemed genuinely interesting and like he was a nice guy. So after maybe, what, 10 or 15 messages he asks me out.
In doing so he already fulfilled one of my wishes: to be asked out. I quickly said yes and then rewarded him with my phone number.
The first date could not have been more amazing. He now claims from the moment he saw at the train station he knew. Knew what exactly? That he loved me. I’m pretty sure I knew at the end of the first date that I did not want to let this man go. And here we are five months later and I haven’t. I’ll save all the details of the first date for us but one of the better moments is when we missed the train home by maybe five seconds and had to spend two more hours together in the train station.
I had never been happier about missing a train.
So, after that, falling madly in love is what we did. For a nice three solid months we were perfect. It was perfect. He was perfect. I had never experienced anything like it before. I was used to not being cared about, cared for, or even feeling like a mattered. He changed all that. Tommie made me feel important and I had never felt more like me than I did in those three months. I had found my other half and everything was amazing.
There’s always that one little thing though, isn’t there?
He was enlisted in the Navy. Well, he is enlisted in the Navy. Well, now he’s a sailor. Anyways, for that three months I worked hard to make every moment count. I only had three months before he had to leave. It was one of those “Life is unfair” times. How could everything be so blissfully perfect and then suddenly ripped away like that? It was completely and utterly heart wrenching. I knew from the beginning that it was coming I just did not under any circumstances want it to come.
But sure enough, it did. The picture at the top of this article is the last picture of us I took together before he had to leave for basic training. I don’t know if you can see the sadness in my face hidden behind the attempted smile. I am so glad I took that picture. I drove him to the recruitment office about twenty minutes away and dropped him off on December 1st. Watched him walk into that office to disappear for what at the time felt like forever. The next two months tested my sanity like no other. To add insult to injury my internship ended two weeks after he left and I spent the next six trying to find a job while stuck at home nearly 24/7.
It was so hard. I spent days just completely ruined. The love of my life was gone. I felt abandoned, lost, and useless. Three feelings I had fought hard to get rid of years before; however, with all mental problems they are never really completely solved.
So I coped. Coped best I could on my own. I had a couple friends I could text but none of them were him. No one is him but him. The final phone call I received when he got there “I’m at basic. I’m safe. You’ll hear from me again in about three weeks” destroyed me. 12 days later I received another phone call. It was only four minutes long but I think it saved me for a time. The dumb phone card they gave him wasn’t working even though we bought him one that wound up working much better so we only got that four minutes. But it helped.
I wrote to him each and every day. Every day the post office was open a letter was sent. I fell into the routine of writing over 5,000 words a day in that last month. At first I was handwriting them but he asked me to type them instead so he could read them even in the dark. After a few weeks I started getting letters in return. Every Tuesday turned into my saving grace. I got a phone call on Christmas but after that it would be five weeks until I heard his voice again.
The letters were short and not super detailed but they contained enough to keep me going. I read all of them many many times. He was sometimes perfectly romantic and other times too short. But I managed. I asked tons of questions in all of my letters. I knew he couldn’t answer them all with what little time he had to read and write but it still drove me a tad crazy.
The not knowing and the silence got to me.
It’s hard to completely explain the roller coaster of emotions I went through. Some days were alright but I had to become okay with not being okay. I know that sentence is a tad confusing but I’ll try and explain it.
It was accepting that there would be a part of me that just constantly felt empty. It was like coming to terms with missing a limb or something. That is the best comparison I can come up with. Suddenly your leg is gone and you have to accept that you aren’t okay with it not being there. Accept that you are broken and just live broken.
Which is what I did for two months: Lived broken.
That might be the easiest and simplest way to explain it without going into the details of my various breakdowns. From day one sitting on the kitchen floor for hours just wailing to the too much alcohol I consumed occasionally. I just had to do me the best I could without my person. I think the only reason Christmas was any good was because I got to talk to him for an hour.
While he was gone I did manage to acquire a job. Of course this job doesn’t begin until February 13th but I still found one. So I’ve still been sitting around especially not doing anything as I am just waiting for this job to begin. So I wasn’t completely and utterly useless. I also built many Lego sets and read a lot of the Harry Potter books for the umpteenth time.
The music that I listened to while he was gone stemmed from the absolutely heart breaking to the uplifting and inspiring. I think the biggest songs for me wound up being “All I Want” by Kodaline and “Swallowed in the Sea” by Coldplay. That Coldplay song for these lyrics that I believe speak for themselves:
And I could write a song a hundred miles long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
The streets you’re walking on, a thousand houses long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with meOh what good is it to live with nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive, not loving all you see
Oh the streets you’re walking on a thousand houses long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
Not swallowed in the seaYou belong with me, not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
The day I got him back though…
When I awoke at 4 a.m. Friday January 30th to go and get my man back I was beyond anxious. I had already picked out my outfit. Gotten my car washed. Worked diligently to make sure I had everything necessary to get into graduation. Bought and wrapped his presents (this is something I did the whole time he was gone… There was small pile waiting for him). And just couldn’t stop the anxiety.
I drove as fast as I dared and got in the line of cars to get onto base and park. Next thing I knew they were marching in. All 900 of the now sailors were graduating. And my man was one of them.
I caught a glimpse of him before they got to where they would stand for the remainder of the hour and a half ceremony. Needless to say I was a silent, blubbering mess nearly the entire time. That final hour and a half dragged and dragged and I just couldn’t wait to run down there and get him back. When they called liberty me, and the rest of the thousands of people, did our best to rush down the bleachers to the floor.
It took a couple minutes but I saw him. He was politely pushing his way through some people and I less politely pushed my way over to him. Saw his face. Saw his eyes. And just dropped my coat and just hugged him. I didn’t want to let go. He was finally mine again. I kissed him before he quickly mentioned that they had to follow some behavior rules or something dumb. It was one of those movie worthy reunions.
After finding his mom and step-dad we eventually made our way to lunch with them. We left my car in the parking garage and all drove in theirs up to a steak house by a mall close-by. I’ll skip all the details there only to jump to his step-dad eventually getting the signs from Tommie that he wanted to just be with me.
So we went back to my car. I gave him his new watch. And then finally kissed him like I had wanted to since the day he left. The rest of the day became a whirlwind. We drove back to my house and had some perfect time to ourselves. Not nearly enough time but perfect nonetheless. Then we drove all the way back up the mall we were by earlier because he wanted to walk around like we were on a date. The way we did before he left.
But when we walked in, he asked, “Where do you want a ring from?”
Needless to say I was utterly flabbergasted and confused and just didn’t know what to say. We spent the next half hour or so looking in a bunch of different stores trying to find a ring. Finding a guy’s ring is harder than you would think. Especially one in my size and in his budget. I kept telling him he had to pick but he insisted that I had to like it too.
Eventually we wound up at Zales and found one. The woman who sold it to us said he should do it right then and there but he said we should go get some food first. At this point I was beyond anxious and couldn’t eat so he got himself some crappy Chinese food and then we sat down in a corner by ourselves.
Before he started eating he asked, with the ring held out over the table:
“Jake Neuman, will you marry me?”
I, at first, gave him a hard time about the lack of romantic-ness behind it so he asked me again. This time using my full name. And what do you think I said?
“Yes. I will marry you.”
He put a ring on my finger. I was utterly flabbergasted. Hell, I still am.
Next thing I knew I had to drop him back off at base around 7 p.m. and then I drove to my grandfather’s old house where my family was playing cards with my uncles and a couple guys who have married into my family. It was closer to O’Hare so I could get there faster to meet him before his plane took off.
I proceeded to tell and tell and tell people. Made phone calls and informed everyone I thought should know in a way that wasn’t Facebook. I anxiosuly awaited the moment where I could drive to O’Hare and spend just a few more hours with him before he had to leave. Everyone was excited for us. My friend Rebecca screamed about it, as did my aunt Lauren. I got a long “awwww” from my aunt Patty and all the women she was drinking with, and an “I KNEW IT!” from my friend Nicole.
The emotional roller coaster just never ever stops.
Around 12:30 a.m. I headed to the airport. At this point I’d been awake for about 20 hours and still going strong. I paced around those terminals for a long time checking and rechecking my phone for information about where they would be coming in at. When he walked through that door with all his stuff I just ugh, my heart remelted. I just didn’t want to stop being next to him and I worked very hard to not leave his side for the most part.
We sat together for a while. Just together. Talking and talking. I was able to give him his phone back at this point so we could resume somewhat normal communication. I made us take an “engagement picture” just so everyone could see, yes it is really us, and yes it did really happen.
I think at this point you can see the tiredness and pure joy in both of our faces. I’m still in a state of disbelief and I think Tommie said I had made him the happiest man in the world. I had him from about 1:30 a.m. till 5:15 a.m. when he had to get on a plane and fly away. There was another enormous hug there before he had to leave. I wish he had turned back and looked one more time than he had. Instead of gallivanting off. But that’s okay. He’s working his ass off to get through this so we can be together again. Now he’s at a-school, training to be a Navy Corpsman (Navy Medic I suppose is another way of saying it for people who don’t know what a Corpsman is). And we are over 1,000 miles apart. But now he has his phone. We can text, call, and FaceTime as often as possible. I’m always going to be missing him and wishing he could talk more but I accept and appreciate every message and call I get.
1,000 miles separate our hands but not our hearts.
It’s been another rough adjustment for me. He’s off moving forward and I still feel stuck and useless. He does a good job at calming me down. I’ve admited frustration in his sometimes lack of communication but I think we’re both still adjusting to what this time will be like. I can tell you one thing for certain:
It is a hell of a lot better than basic.
Now every day he can tell me he loves me. When I hit my nasty emotional moments he can talk to me about them. Granted there are many hours where he cannot have his phone and those I cope with, but it’s still a hell of a lot better than zero communication. I’m in that phase of adjusting where I went from having nothing to wanting as much as possible but having to adjust my expectations to what is feasible.
He wants to do his utmost to kick ass at this so he can get placed at a hospital so I can go with him.
He has told me numerous stories of how there are significant others of other sailors who have admitted to cheating while their sailors were gone. He says he sees it going around a lot and he hears about it a lot and it’s getting to him. I can tell. It breaks my heart to know there are people out there who would do that to people they supposedly love. If you did something like that I sincerly doubt your love in the first place. The only empathy I have for the cheaters is this: I get the feeling of abandonment, loneliness, lack of attention, and general sadness; however, that does not give you an excuse to do what you did. Fight through like I did, like a lot of people did, and you’ll be so glad to have them back.
Tommie is worth every moment of pain, every tear, every little second where I’m angry or upset that he’s not here with me… Because in the end we will be together.
He’s working hard so three months from now we are together and he doesn’t wind up out on a ship in the middle of the ocean where I don’t hear from him for months on end. He’s working hard so in a few weeks I can fly down and we can spend a weekend to ourselves.
After a-school our plan is to get married so I can go with him wherever he does. Last we discussed it I believe the plan was somewhere in the states, possibly the west coast. And let me tell you, I’m excited for that. I am so excited for our future together.
Before Tommie and I started dating I had a real aversion to the military in general. Yeah support our troops and all that but I wasn’t interested in knowing all they did, how they did it, and I frankly wasn’t a big fan of how enormous our military is.
I’m still not a fan. But it’s Tommie. I accept him for who he is and this is part of him. He accepts me for my slight insanity and I am willing to sacrifice anything to be with him. Four months from now if my job doesn’t let me work remotely I’ll have to leave it and find a new one wherever we wind up. Because as soon as I can start spending the rest of my life with him, I’m going to. I’ll live on a military base and experience the positives he says exist.
I trust him.
He knows more about me than anyone every has or ever will. I trust that he won’t cheat on me, or forget about me while he’s away. If he does there will be hell to pay but I know he won’t.
Because I’m waiting for him. And he loves me.
I’m sitting here writing this on a Sunday morning while getting the occasional text from him before he has to go on watch from 12 p.m. — 3 p.m. a time where he won’t be able to have his phone. I feel the need to end this with the text he just sent me.
Amongst all of the insanity that goes through my head that has him, my mother, my friend, and myself thinking I should go back to therapy, he is there. He hasn’t run away. He supports and loves me more than I could ever ask for. More than I deserve.
I miss him. Every moment of every day I miss not being by his side. I cannot describe how perfect life is when I am with him. Just with him. Sitting on a couch watching a movie, playing a video game, reading, eating, whatever… When I’m with him doing anything life is just perfect.
I am beyond excited for the rest of our lives together to begin. We both are. He’s made the following point very clear to me lately. Abundantely clear. I just still can’t believe he would use me as his inspiration like this. From him writing that every second he had to run to pass his fitness tests he was running for me. To all the studying is going to have to do he is doing for me. I am endlessly proud of him. He both did something that I see as impossible and is working tirelessly so we can have our future together as soon as possible. I love him. He loves me. This is going to work.
“I’m not doing this for me anymore. I’m doing it for us.”
This is life so far. There’s plenty more to come. And I cannot wait to experience it.
