Riding those post-partum lows

It’s been over six months since my baby girl was born so in my mind I should have it all down pat by now having ridden out any of those rough seasons and ironed out all the tough kinks. Surely by now I should be flourishing, basking in the wonder of motherhood with my two glorious children in a perfectly clean and organized house whilst trays of perfectly baked scones sit cooling on the counter. Or if not quite that, I should at least be managing/coping/surviving, having reached a place of contentment and routine. I mean, this is my second time doing this, my opportunity to avoid all of those first-time-mum mishaps.
But no.
Somehow this time around I seem to be prone to slipping into post-partum depression and anxiety. It probably wasn’t until my baby girl was four months old that I realized that I was struggling with more than just the regular stresses of life with a new-born baby and an almost two year old toddler (who had learned to throw tantrums pretty much as soon as he had turned a year old). At the time I’d pulled myself out of what I termed as a ‘low week’ where I had little to no energy, took little enjoyment in anything and just felt so heavy, overwhelmed and alone. I felt quite proud of myself for pulling myself out of the low place and was having what I thought was a ‘good week’ where I felt like I had more energy and had been productive (cleaning, exercising, getting out of the house every day and keeping my son entertained with more than just the TV). My body however had other ideas. It was during this week that I ended up in the emergency room with what ended up being an anxiety attack. I’d never really experienced an anxiety attack before so I had no idea what was going on with my body, it was quite scary and was one of the few times ever that I have felt so out of control. That being said it was also a huge relief to discover it was just an anxiety attack and nothing more serious. Although the fact that it had just hit me out of the blue when I thought I was doing well really worried me as I hated the idea of it happening if I was ever alone with my kids, especially if I was doing something like driving the car or out at the mall with lots of people around.
I’m not usually good at asking for help, but asking for help in this situation was the best thing I could have done. My doctor was extremely sympathetic and I immediately felt better just speaking to her about it and being reassured that this does happen and that there wasn’t anything wrong with me for going through it, and although I was doing a good job of self-managing there were other options to help me through this season. I went away with a prescription for medication that I could take on an ‘as needed’ basis to relax me if I felt another anxiety attack come on and a referral for therapy. This all felt very new to me and although the new territory felt somewhat daunting I felt like I was gaining the resources I needed to navigate my way through it. The worst place was to feel helpless and out of control which increased the level of stress and anxiety, but after time and prayer I realized that I didn’t have to be afraid. That somehow it was ok to embrace the fact that I wasn’t always going to feel super happy all the time in life and that it was ok to have times where I feel low or flat and that actually when those times come along it’s a good reminder for me to stop for a little while and just take stock of where I’m at and what’s going on with me. Just the realization that it’s ok to feel that way and that I can simply walk through it with the Lord and not to be any kind of super mum or super christian, brought me so much release. Sometimes it’s ok to just be. And sometimes if those times allow you to draw closer to the Lord, they can end up being really significant times as you realize your own limitations and come to rely more deeply on His strength and love.
Then comes the therapy. I was a therapy virgin and I have to admit I felt very mixed about going. On the one hand I knew that it could be a really beneficial thing that would do me a lot of good and on the other hand I was so nervous! So I just prayed that God would give me a great therapist and that he would speak to me through the sessions. When I went to my first session I was surprised to discover that even though there was a whole mental health center, they were at capacity with demand and I had to be outsourced to a different facility. The post-natal group that I was referred to had a wait list (a month later and I’m still on the list). It was an eye opener as to just how many people are struggling on a daily basis, all around me. I had my first therapy session with my dedicated therapist last week and I have to say, it was soooo good! I definitely recommend it. Having someone ask you questions that makes you think about some things and open your eyes to others can be a really positive thing. I was also given some practical suggestions of things I can start doing straight away and journaling was one of them. I love journaling and try to do it whenever I can find the time anyways, but in this instance I thought it might be a positive thing to start journaling my journey via medium to keep me accountable but also in the hope that it encourages others who are maybe going through something similar.
I’m not saying that now everything is magically ok and I feel great all of the time. I still have my good weeks and my bad weeks but the bad weeks just aren’t quite as bad or as scary as they were. And I’ve learnt to stop pushing myself. For me, this isn’t the time to start putting extra pressure on myself to build community, to lose the babyweight or be a phenomenal parent. There will be time to start working on these things and grow in these areas, but now just isn’t the time. Having little ones is one of the greatest gifts ever and these times with my babies are so incredibly precious but it can also be incredibly challenging, and I’m learning it’s ok to admit that.
I’m also not saying that therapy and medication is the ultimate answer, but they can be useful resources. My first and ultimate go-to is, and always will be, the Lord. You can never under-estimate the power of prayer — even if all you have time for is a silent ‘help!’.
So I guess my biggest take-away from this whole season is it’s ok to let your brave face crack once in a while, it’s ok to realize that you can’t do it all, it’s ok to struggle, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to not be perfect. Just don’t be afraid to reach out or ask others for help. Don’t feel like you have to face your struggles alone. A burden shared is a burden halved, and all that jazz.
Looking forward to sharing my journey with you. Thanks for walking with me for a while.
