By reading many psychology books, I learned that gestures and postures can hugely impact how people think about you and even how you think about yourself unconsciously. I also believe learning confident gestures in the army and consistently working out at the gym changed me to a more outgoing person. Knowing the hidden meaning of body language can help you to adjust your actions when you are interacting with people. It can also give you a good sense of what kind of gestures to display in order to achieve what you want.
Rating
“The Definitive Book Of Body Language”, which is written by Allan and Barbara Pease, explains the fundamental concepts behind the body language, which is the result of evolution. After that section, it goes through various types of body languages with examples that may be encountered in the real world.
I enjoyed reading this book because I was able to imagine where I can use techniques mentioned in the book in real life. For example, I tend to look downward and put my chin down when I walk, but this can make people think I am a closed person and submissive in some sense. Also, displaying the palm during conversation can be used when I am approaching to a new person that I want to be close with.
Overall, it was a very entertaining and useful book, but I am not sure if all of the research that is introduced in the book is scientific. For example, the book introduces a lot of social experiments, but I don’t think some of the experiments did not control external variables and did not have sufficient sample size. However, the fundamental concepts that the book used made sense if you understand evolutionary biology.
Rating: 4.8/5
Favorite Quotes
“The ability to read a person’s attitudes and thoughts by their behavior was the original communication system used by humans before spoken language evolved”
“…, found that the total impact of a message is about 7 percent verbal (words only) and 38 percent vocal (including tone of voice, infection, and other sounds) and 55 percent nonverbal”
Non-verbal communication existed longer than verbal communication, which make sense why our mind unconsciously understand body language. Consciously understanding the meaning of gestures can improve your ability to read people and to control your own body language.
“Three rules of accurate reading:
- Read gestures in clusters
- Look for congruence
- Read gesture in context”
“When an adult tells a lie, it’s as if his brain instructs his hand to cover his mouth in an attempt to block the deceitful words, just as it did for the five-year-old and the teenager”
Mouth overing gesture can mean that person is telling a lie. It is harder to read older people because their gestures are more subtle and less obvious.
“Signal like pupil dilation, sweating, and blushing cannot be consciously faked, but exposing the palms to try to appear honest is easily learned”
Natural physiological reactions are not possible to fake, but physical actions like exposing the palms can be easily faked.
“One of the most valuable clues to discovering whether someone is being open and honest — or not — is to watch for palm displays”
“Most people find it difficult to lie with their palms exposed because of the law of cause and effect”
Our mind influence body, but our body also influences the mind. If you want to change your mind, changing your body language can be good start.
“Let’s assume that you have just met someone for the first time and you greet each other with a handshake. One of the three basic attitudes is subconsciously transmitted:
- Dominance: ‘He is trying to dominate me. I’d better be cautious’
- Submission: ‘I can dominate this person. He’ll do what I want’
- Equality: ‘I feel comfortable with this person’”
Handshake can hugely impact on our first impression. A good rule of thumb is keeping hands vertical and apply same pressure you receive to create friendly impression. If someone power plays you, step forward on your left food as you approach, and walk across with the right leg and you will be able to turn his palm up. The other technique can be used is double hander. If you are taking picture of handshaking moment, try to place yourself on your left to not display your palm, which can be sign of superiority. If you cannot be on the left of the photo, use double hands technique.
“Unless you and the other person have a personal or emotional bond, only use a single-handed handshake”
There are many techniques such as elbow grasp, shoulder hold, or double hands that can be useful, but it can be double edged sword if you don’t have emotional bond with the person.
“If this happens to you, take the other person’s right hand with your left and place it correctly in your right hand and say, with a smile, ‘Let’s try that again!’ and shake hands equally”
Don’t be afraid to retry handshakes if they go wrong. This can build up credibility because it shows you care about the interaction with the person.
“Keeping the palms held vertical and matching the other person’s grip is usually perceived as a 10/10 handshake”
Ideal handshake
“… zygomatic majors are consciously controlled — in other words, they are used to produce false smiles of fake enjoyment to try to appear friendly or subordinate. The orbicularis oculi at the eyes act independently and reveal the true feelings of a genuine smile”
“When a smile is genuine, the fleshy part of the eye between the eyebrow and the eyelid — the eye cover fold — moves downward and the ends of the eyebrows dip slightly”
To see if the person is genuinely smiling, check the movement of orbicularis oculi (muscles around the eyes).
“And research in courtrooms shows that an apology offered with a smile incurs a lesser penalty than an apology without one”
Smiles can make you appear submissive, but they are helpful in general cases because people will reduce aggressive attitude toward you.
“…, false facial emotions are more pronounced on the left side of the face than the right. In a real smile, both brain hemispheres instruct each side of the face to act with symmetry”
Half of the brain’s cortex that specify facial expression is located on right hemisphere, which means it is easier to make false facial expression on the left side of the face (if the other half is located on left hemisphere, shouldn’t it be equally easy? I might be missing something here).
“People who were innocent and telling the truth increased their smiling frequency when being honest”
Unlike most people think, innocent people smile a lot and liars tend to not smile.
“Tight-lipped smile sends the message that the smiler has a secret or a withheld opinion or attitude that they will not be sharing with you”
“Sideways-looking-up smile has been shown to be men’s favorite everywhere, because when a woman does it, it engenders parental male feelings, making men want to protect and care for females”
Some types of smiles.
“Laughter stimulated the body’s natural painkillers, and ‘feel good’ enhancers, known as endorphins, helping relieve stress and heal the body”
“more he can make her laugh, the more attractive she will find him”
Laughs can make you happier (in this context, it can make you feel good). This is a reason why most women like a guy who has sense of humor. Having a sense of humor will make people around you happier, and since laugh is contagious, you will be happier as well.
“One thing’s certain: when a person has a nervous, negative, or defensive attitude, it’s very likely he will fold his arms firmly on his chest, showing that he feels threatened”
People use their arms to create a barrier that can protect themselves.
“…. the group with the folded arms had learned and retained 38 percent less than the group who kept its arms unfolded”
I am not sure how scientific this research is (how do you evaluated learning? sample size?), but it kind of make sense the body language influence our mind to be closed.
“Partial arm barriers are often seen in meetings where a person may be a stranger to the group or is lacking in self-confidence”
Partial arm barriers and the broken zipper position help people to feel more secure by protecting themselves.
“Skillful elbow-touching can give you up to three times the chance of getting what you want”
“When you next meet someone new and you shake hands, extend your left arm, give a light touch on their elbow or hand as you shake, repeat their name to confirm you heard it correctly, and watch their reaction”
Light 3 seconds elbow touch can be useful technique. If you can, use your left hand when you are handshaking to lightly touch the elbow.
“Hands clenched in raised position reveals frustration, even when smiling”
The height of clenched hands reveal the level of frustration. It is good idea to unlock the opponents’ hands when we are negotiating.
“As a general rule, the Steeple should be avoided when you want to be persuasive or win the other person’s confidence, as it can sometime be read as smugness or arrogance”
Steeple signals the confident attitude, but it can be read as arrogance during negotiation, so be thoughtful when to use it.
“…, if you take this position (holding hands behind the back) when you are in a high-stress situation, such as being interviewed by newspaper reporters or waiting outside a dentist’s surgery, you’ll begin to feel confident and even authoritative, as a result of cause and effect”
Holding hands behind the back is superiority-confidence gesture. Whenever you lack of confidence, doing this gesture will help you to feel more confident.
“Thumb displays are positive signals, often used in the typical pose of the ‘cool’ individual who uses them to show superiority”
If lawyer does thumb display gesture and says something like, “In my humble opinion”, the jury will think the lawyer is insincere. Make your body language match with what you’re saying.
“The thumb can also be used as a signal of ridicule or disrespect when it is used to point at another person”
Try not to point people with your thumb, since it is sign of ridicule or disrespect.
“…, when we see, speak, and hear lies or deceit, we are likely to attempt to cover our mouth, eyes, or ears with out hands”
“Men and women also both increase their number of gulps of saliva when lying”
Human wants to stop themselves seeing, speaking, and hearing lies or deceit. This principle can be expanded to many body languages.
“Eight of the most common lying gestures: the mouth cover, the nose touch, itchy nose, the eye rub, the ear grab, the neck scratch, the collar pull, finger in mouth”
“Genuine interest is shown when the hand lightly rests on the cheek and is not used as a head support”
“When the index finger points vertically up the cheek and the thumb supports the chin, the listener is having negative or critical thoughts about the speaker or his subject”
In evaluation gesture, observe if the listener is supporting his head with his hand. If he does, it can be a signal of negative thoughts.
“This reaction causes the tingling feeling you experience on the back of your neck when you feel frustrated or fearful”
Pain in the neck gesture happens when the person feels threatened or angry.
“The question is, however, what is the negative thought? It could be doubt, deceit, uncertainty, exaggeration, apprehension, or outright lying”
If person uses any of hand-to-face gestures, it can be a signal of negative thought entering his mind. Interpreting which negative thought the person is having is critical skill to understand what is going on. Evaluating the preceding gestures can be helpful to come up with conclusion.
“When someone becomes excited, their pupils can dilate to up to four times their original size. Conversely, an angry, negative mood causes the pupils to contract to what are commonly known as ‘beady little eyes’ or ‘snake eyes’”
This can be hard to implemented in real life, but if you can identify the size of the person’s pupil, you can guess if the person is going through positive emotion or negative emotion.
“The Eyebrow Flash is universal and is also used by monkeys and apes as a social greeting signal, confirming that it’s an inborn gesture”
Eyebrow flash sends friendly signal to others.
“Argyle found that when person A likes person B, he will look at him a lot. This causes B to think that A likes him, so B will like A in return”
“Making yourself appear smaller turn off the aggression switch in an aggressor’s brain”
“If you walk upright with larger movements, swinging your arms and legs and having your front open, you will project that you could defend yourself if necessary and so are less likely to be attacked”
If you deserve reprimand, making submissive gesture can turn off the aggression switch of the opponent. However, if you are walking down on random street, send dominant signal that you can defend yourself, which will reduce the possibility of random street attack.
“When you are under attack from someone, try not to blink while maintaining eye contact. When you look at the attacker, narrow your eyelids and focus closely on the person”
Power gaze and power stare
“Extended gazing can create intimate feelings”
“When you go for an interview, shake hands and then give the interviewer a two-to three-second frame of uninterrupted time for them to complete the process of looking you over”
“Social Gazing would weaken your words but Intimate Gazing could either intimidate or embarrass them. Power Gazing, however, has a powerful effect on the receiver and tells them you mean business”
“Most managers used fake facial expressions and tried to control their hands while lying, but almost all were unaware of what their feed and legs were doing”
“The legs evolved in humans to serve two purposes: to move forward to get food and to run away from danger”
“If you’re trying to persuade someone who sits in any of these positions (crossed arms or legs), you should attempt to get them to uncross before continuing”
Feet and legs movements are hard to fake. Look at the direction of feet, or other gestures to read other people.
“Research shows that people will talk three to four times more than usual when the listener nods their head using groups of three nods at regular intervals”
“Slow nodding communicates that the listener is interested in what the speaker is saying so give slow, deliberate clusters of three head nods when the other person is making a point”
“Because of phenomenon of cause and effect, if you intentionally assume certain body-language positions you will begin to experience the emotions associated with those gestures”
Again, make the body language that can create emotions that you want to have.
“… research with these techniques shows that when a man mirrors a woman’s facial expressions as she talks, she will describe him as caring, intelligent, interesting, and attractive”
“… using this knowledge, it is possible to influence others by mirroring their positive gestures and postures”
Mirroring is powerful technique that can be used in courtship. It is also great way to influence people. However, do not mirror your boss when he or she is having superior gesture, meaning that you have to consider your relationship with the person. Don’t use mirroring strategy too early as a lot of people are aware of it. Never mirror negative gestures.
“Never speak at a faster rate than the other person. Studies reveal that others describe feeling ‘pressured’ when someone speaks more quickly than they do”
I sometimes try to talk too fast, but that can not only create mistakes, but also give pressure to others. I will think through what I am going to say and talk in slower speed.
“The direction in which a person points his body or feet is a signal of where he would prefer to be going”
“In you day-to-day encounters with others, Foot Pointing, Body Pointing, and positive gesture clusters such as open arms, visible palms, leaning forward, head tilting, and smiling can make it easy for others not only to enjoy your company, but to be influenced by your point of view”
“The bottom line is that when a person wants to attract the opposite sex, they do so by emphasizing sexual differences”
“Attraction process:
- Eye contact: Female gaze at a man about five seconds
- Smiling: Fleeting smile. Many men are not responsive to this signal, leaving the woman feeling that he is not interested in her
- Preening: Sits up straight, crosses legs, tilts her hips, tilts her head, touches hair, etc. Man respond with standing up straight, touching his hair, and adjusting his clothes. Both point their feet or entire bodies toward each other
- Talk
- Touch: Female initiate light touch”
“An easy way to intimidate someone is to lean against, sit on, or use their possessions without their permission”
Instead of leaning on the doorway which can create negative impression, practice upright stance with palms visible.
“The height we decide they are and the amount of power we give them is directly related to the power and authority of their presentation. This is why so many short actors, politicians, and personalities do so well on television — they simply act tall”
If you want to be look taller, have strong performance or impressive title. If you “act” tall, it will make you appear more superior which will lead you to look taller.
“If someone is overbearing or standing over you while you are sitting, get up and walk over to a window and gaze outside as you discuss an issue”
“Shorter people can increase their perceived height and are more likely to be remembered as taller when they wear dark-colored clothing, pinstriped suits or trouser suits, ….., and full-size chronograph watches”
Some tricks to appear taller
“… at the head of the table, farthest from the door with their back to a wall. You will be amazed to see how simply placing a person in a powerful seating position encourages them to begin to talk more often and with more authority and how others will also pay more attention to them”
Place yourself, or other people into powerful seat to encourage to talk more often.
“First, never tell the audience you feel nervous or overawed — they’ll start looking for nervous body language”
“Second, use confidence gestures as you speak, even if you’re feeling terrified. Use Steeple gestures, open and closed palm positions, occasional Protruding Thumbs, and keep your arms unfolded. Avoid pointing at the audience, arm crossing, face touching, and lectern gripping”
How to present more confidently
“whether you are dining at home or at at restaurant, have the other person sitting with his back to a solid wall or screen”
Trick to make other person relax and lower the defensive barrier.
“High-status people always ‘keep their cool,’ which means revealing as little of their emotions as possible”
High status people more communicate verbally, lower status people substitute with gestures.
“when our backs are toward an open space we become stressed, blood pressure increase, our heart beats faster, our brainwave output increases, and we breathe more quickly as our body readies itself for a possible rear attack”
Sit competitors with their back to the door.
“A study at the University of California showed that the most persuasive words in spoken languages are: discovery, guarantee, love, proven, results, save, easy, health, money, new, safety, and you”
“The Seven Secrets of Attractive Body Language
Face: Have an animated face and make smiling a part of your regular repertoire. Make sure you flash your teeth.
Gestures: Be expressive but don’t overdo it. Keep your fingers closed when you gesture, your hands below chin level, and avoid arm or feet crossing.
Head Movement: Use Triple Nods when talking and Head Tilt when listening. Keep your chin up.
Eye Contact: Give the amount of eye contact that makes everyone feel comfortable. Unless looking at others is a cultural no-no, lookers gain more credibility than nonlookers.
Posture: Lean forward when listening, stand straight when speaking
Territory: Stand as close as you feel comfortable. If the other person moves back, don’t step forward again.
Mirror: Subtly mirror the body language of others.”